Is This What People Call As Pre-graduate Syndrome Or Whatever?

Hi, im going to write depressing things again.

So im at my father’s hometown now. I thought when i meet my grandpa, he’ll lecture me about not having boyfriend like he did everytime i visited him because most of my cousins around my age are getting their partner already. And im going to graduate this august so im preparing myself lol.

But it turned out to be the opposite. He asked me do i want to continue my study. Of course i want to. Then he told me to sign up for the next master degree entrance exam. Like, right away.

I just nodded my head while trying to process it. Wait, i thought about it but i dont want to take any major here because the major that I want is overseas. Beside i never had any intention to continue my study here. Sorry if i sound arrogant but i want to challenge myself even though im pretty pessimistic.

Then i googled my future major and now im frustated because theres no way i could fill the requirements. Im not very confident i could pass. I dont even know what kind of major im going to take if i cant get this one.

I dont have any plan to apply for scholarship right away, though. They want experienced person in the right field to give the scholarship for. Im not qualified for it, at least for now.

I dont know where to start, to be honest. I dont know what im going to be. Im so scared. Why did i want to grow up so bad when i was child and now i want to go back being little girl whose happiness can be fulfilled by happy meals package?

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Cat

Its like
trying to assure the cat who is stuck on the tree.
He know how to climb it but he doesnt have any courage to go down
I’m trying my best to courage him to jump
or climb down

“Hey you can jump into my arms, I wont hurt you”

But I know, deep down its me who is afraid
of his claws that might stab me once he jump,
of his reaction once he’s in my arms,
is he going to run away from me,
or let me calming his shaking body down, petting his fluffy fur and bring him home?

 

‘You have 9 lives like a cat, aren’t you?’
‘Cat? It’s cute but it makes mess everywhere’
‘Lol yeah cute and annoying’
‘Cute? Lol’
‘I mean, cat is cute and you’re annoying’

don’t let things hurt you

You may think that you’re useless but don’t ever try to kill yourself because you might be the reason of someone’s smile today. No matter how bad you are, at least there’s one person who feel happy with your existence. Either your family, friends, crush, partner or even random stranger you met on the street.

It’s hard to think that way when you feel like you’re hitting the rock bottom of your life, but let’s try. Let’s try to learn to love ourselves in simplest way possible. Let’s try to make ourselves happy.

 

I’m sorry if I can’t be a good friend when you need my help. I know how hard it is, to feel suffocated of the world, even though you’re alone in your bedroom. Cannot breathe because of your toxic mind, but you can’t cry either to ease your burden.
I know how it feels when you feel like your head is going to burst and you think you have to contact someone, anyone, so you won’t go crazier than you are now. How hard it is to explain your condition to your family and friends, simply because you’re afraid that they won’t understand.

I don’t know about you, but for me, even the simplest reply from people I care about can ease my problem. So you may not tell them how you really feel, but at least, get in touch with people can make you feel better.
I’m sorry for being the worst possible friend ever because I never ask about your feeling. I’m afraid if I asked you, you’ll remember how horrible it was and I don’t want you to feel like that anymore. I’m all ears though, if you need me.

Hey, if you feel better, would you please come out from your cave and play with me and others? we miss you. we’re worried.

Please stop thinking negatively, stop thinking that you’re the worst person in the world. You aren’t. You’re loved. You’re so much more than that.

(I told you that my spell is “don’t let anyone hurt you, only you who’re allowed to hurt yourself”, right? Well, if you let their words affect you, you lose. Don’t lose)

She Has Everything That You Have, Too

what’s wrong with the girl who chase her love first? Isn’t good that the girl knows what she wants and tries her best to achieve it? why is it always the guy who has to chase his love? why can’t girl do it? why girl has to wait and be patient when she has both of her arms and legs? have you forget that she has brain too?

“but, darling, you are a woman so you have to sit here and be pretty and wait for man to droll over your beauty and ask you to be his wife. oh wait, you have to act like you don’t like him. don’t accept his proposal as fast as you can. you have to play hard to get so he would treasure you more.”

those freaking stereotype can go burn hundred meters under the ground.

i’m a woman and i know what and who i want. if i see it, if i meet him, i would do anything to get it. to have it. you can call me disgusting or gross, i don’t care. as long as i can get what i want. why do i have to wait for universe to drop me some good things when i could find and fight for the best?

(nope, it’s not always about man, it’s about life, career, opportunity and everything in the world).

 

easy for you

it’s easy to fall in love
with you
with simple things around
it’s only take one conversation, one gaze, a warm smile, in one second

God makes it so easy for people to like things, to love someone
but why people love to spread hate
when it’s easier to fall in love instead?

I’m so sick of the world, there are so much hate currently. people kill themselves and another so easy as if they were flies. those who are so selfish who think their God would love them when actually they did something that He opposed. medias are full of negative things. what kind of the world I live now, I don’t know.

so many bad things happened here to the point where people getting praised for being nice, when actually that’s our root. isn’t ironic for being praised of something that we’re SUPPOSED to do? I’m not a prophet nor holy person but being kind to each other is our nature, human nature. why is it so hard to apply, when you can get double happiness, to the person you’re giving something to and to yourself who did a good deed?

honesty

I thought I know myself very well, but when my friends pointed out to me where did I do wrong, I couldn’t defend myself.

You know, you have to be honest with yourself.”

I’m always honest, am I?

No, you’re not okay. You are saying that you’re okay when actually you’re not. You said that you don’t feel anything when actually you did. If you were normal person, you have to snap at this person for disrespecting you. Just admit that your feeling is different this time.

 

 

(yes sorry, sorry for posting depressing things again. I’ll be back spreading glitter and rainbow, I promise!)

happiness

I don’t want to expect people doing things for me. I don’t want to depend my happiness on them. It’s not like I don’t trust people. Expectation can be a burden, either for the person you’re expected for, or you who’re expecting. I loathe being burdened and I dislike the image of giving burden to someone. If I’m going to be associated with someone, I want to be the one who give. This kind of logic is frustrating since I cannot ask help to those who aren’t close to me because I am afraid of giving them something to bear, either it is small or big.

But to reach the happiness I always dream of, I know I should get them involved. I cannot be completely happy if I can’t share it with them. For me, my happiness is their happiness as well. Why should I spread my sadness and keep my happiness on my own? Everyone has their blue days so I cant make them getting bluer.
About the happiness, what is it exactly?

For me, happiness is something simple. You don’t have to get grand luxurious thing to happen to you and call it happiness. When you can appreciate and be grateful of things around you, no matter how small it is, that’s happiness. You start making your happiness from scratch.

It’s not always about money, but I agree that it contributes a lot for my happiness. For example, whenever I’m feeling down, I buy myself chocolate and eat it on my own. I feel better and happier. Or buying lipstick because I love it and I feel better when I apply it to my lips. Books too. I feel happy whenever I read good books and find words that would motivate me to be better.

Giving something to people who I love make me happy. I feel happy instantly when I see their eyes light up at the view of chocolate or gift that I gave. The happiness of those around you is important too. You don’t have to give them something extravagant. As long as you sincere with yours, they’ll appreciate it. Believe me, the happiness will following you both.