a tiny spotter

out of all people, why do i have – and always – fall for someone who doesn’t look at me with the same eyes.

i don’t need people to tell me that there are some of them who like me, who love me, i just want someone i fall for feel the same for me. why is it so hard? and why do i always let myself down for thing like this.

when will i learn to not expecting anything from people i love Continue reading “a tiny spotter”

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grief and the souls that lack empathy

at december 18, 2017, a mother and father lose their son. a sister lose her brother. a band lose its member. group of friends lose their other half. a nation lose one of their best citizen. thousands, or even hundred thousands of fans lose their inspiration. and heaven, heaven gain an angel. God picked one of the best flowers He planted in this world.

i don’t know him personally, i cant call myself a fan but i enjoyed his music. his was one of the best. and losing him broke me more than i can imagine. my tears keep flowing when i read the news, when i saw my friends who were his fans reacted to this sad news. my heart is broken, along with them. i refused to wake up this morning because i couldnt bring myself to accept the reality. to know that he isn’t here anymore. to know that he already move from this world.

i cant imagine the pain that his family going through, his friends, colleagues, and his fans. everyone who interacted with him in daily basis. how hard it must be. i hope they wont blaming themself or each other. i hope they can accept that he is gone. Continue reading “grief and the souls that lack empathy”

‘I admired you too much. Now I can see it clearly. When we fall in love we turn the other person into our god – how dangerous is that? And when he doesn’t love us back, we respond with anger, resentment, hatred … There’s something about love that resembles faith. It’s a kind of blind trust, isn’t? The sweetest euphoria. The magic of connecting with a being beyond our limited, familiar selves. But if we get carried away by love – or by faith – it turns into a dogma, a fixation. The sweetness becomes sour. We suffer in the hands of the gods that we ourselves created.’

‘I must be one of the last persons on earth to be considered a god,’

‘It wasn’t you. It was the Azur I had created for myself. The one I needed in order to make sense of my own fragmented past. That’s the professor I was infatuated with. The Azur in my mind.’

-Elif Shafak, Three Daughters of Elves, p. 395

 

flower

a4b46b7a3289703fab7bdcab46355cb2--flower-aesthetic-quotes-aesthetic-quotes-happyThere are many wise words that I always hear and read everyday. This one, too, I often read it whenever I read book or scroll through social media. I never take it seriously, though, until recently.

I’m in early 20’s, in one of the hardest phase in life. Well, now I think this is the hardest, but I might look back in ten years and laugh at my 21 years old version (“No, honey, you are wrong. Now it’s the hardest part.”). Life is indeed tough, yet we got stronger each days because we could pass it, right?

Everyone has their own pace and time. So do I.

don’t envy the flower next to you which just bloomed, you have your own time. Cherry blossom didn’t bloom until spring because it would die if it forced itself to bloom at winter. So do you. We have our time to shine and we cannot force ourself to shine before its time because it might be killing us. So please hang in there and do your best, your time will surely come.

 

Excuse

Im afraid of people but im more afraid of my mind. Sometimes, it crosses over black zone and i thank my fear for stopping me going there. I like being alone in my room but there is time when i hate it because my head is so noisy and i become depressed. I like walking around alone and you might thinking that im possesed or something but its just me, listening too deep to my own voices in my head.

Im writing this not to invite you to pitying me, i have to write this or im going to be frustrated. Words are my savior, i confessed a lot of things to them than to my parents or family or friends that i meet everyday. I love stumbling around my friends’ blogs or random people’s because they show their other personality through their writing. You see, people become more honest when they pour their words into sentences, into something that other people can read. So do i. I find my self talk a lot easier through writing.

If you are my friend in real life, maybe you’ll feel im not really talking much. If you are my best friend, you do know im talking too much. But theres time when i prefer to be listener and i think it takes most of the time. I tend to build wall around myself, a high and thick one, which no one ever break in. they cant. Even my parents. My brother. My best friends. My now ex boyfriends. Every one has their territory, so i never force anyone to tell me everything unless they want to. I know how it feels.

I feel like im writing this to excuse myself.

There’s time when i wish i could tell people freely about what i feel right now. But looking at their faces, wondering what kind of problems that they have to bear now, stopping me from doing so.

Listening to their rants, seeing them cry, reading their complaints and gloomy sentences on their social media made me realize that im not alone.

Im not the only one who have such a problem so i should stop locking myself in the house. I should stop pitying myself.

But this fear,

What are you afraid of, self?

I dont know.

I want to curl myself and cry, loudly, until my tears dry and I lost my breath. I want to tell people about my fear.

Im so afraid of many things until i lost count on what is exactly thing that im afraid of.

I miss someone that i havent seen in months who doesnt even have any idea that i really want to meet him. I promise myself to be honest and straightforward so i wont torture my ownself yet fear always blocking me from doing things.

hi, i want to tell you i miss you but im afraid that you might laugh at me. I dont want you to not taking my words seriously. I mean every word I said to you.

I shouldve stop blaming everything including myself and just do things i want to do so i could achieve the happiness i’ve always dream of.

Mask

You ought to put mask on your face everyday. An adult has to.
You put different faces until you dont know which one is the original one.

But maybe to solve the problem, you can choose the most comfortable one that you can put on. Its going to be your original face, the mask you use when you meet people that you feel like home.
Its not the bare face, its still mask, a mask that so comfortable on you to the point where you thought the mask is yourself.
Yet, darling, you never be your own self until there is no one there.

 

I’m curious what kind of mask you put on when you reply to my message. When we meet, someday, if God so generous to let us meet under His blessing. I want to know which kind of face I have to choose when I meet you. I hope its the thinnest one, the most comfortable mask I love to wear and I wish yours too.

Is This What People Call As Pre-graduate Syndrome Or Whatever?

Hi, im going to write depressing things again.

So im at my father’s hometown now. I thought when i meet my grandpa, he’ll lecture me about not having boyfriend like he did everytime i visited him because most of my cousins around my age are getting their partner already. And im going to graduate this august so im preparing myself lol.

But it turned out to be the opposite. He asked me do i want to continue my study. Of course i want to. Then he told me to sign up for the next master degree entrance exam. Like, right away.

I just nodded my head while trying to process it. Wait, i thought about it but i dont want to take any major here because the major that I want is overseas. Beside i never had any intention to continue my study here. Sorry if i sound arrogant but i want to challenge myself even though im pretty pessimistic.

Then i googled my future major and now im frustated because theres no way i could fill the requirements. Im not very confident i could pass. I dont even know what kind of major im going to take if i cant get this one.

I dont have any plan to apply for scholarship right away, though. They want experienced person in the right field to give the scholarship for. Im not qualified for it, at least for now.

I dont know where to start, to be honest. I dont know what im going to be. Im so scared. Why did i want to grow up so bad when i was child and now i want to go back being little girl whose happiness can be fulfilled by happy meals package?

don’t let things hurt you

You may think that you’re useless but don’t ever try to kill yourself because you might be the reason of someone’s smile today. No matter how bad you are, at least there’s one person who feel happy with your existence. Either your family, friends, crush, partner or even random stranger you met on the street.

It’s hard to think that way when you feel like you’re hitting the rock bottom of your life, but let’s try. Let’s try to learn to love ourselves in simplest way possible. Let’s try to make ourselves happy.

I’m sorry if I can’t be a good friend when you need my help. I know how hard it is, to feel suffocated of the world, even though you’re alone in your bedroom. Cannot breathe because of your toxic mind, but you can’t cry either to ease your burden.
I know how it feels when you feel like your head is going to burst and you think you have to contact someone, anyone, so you won’t go crazier than you are now. How hard it is to explain your condition to your family and friends, simply because you’re afraid that they won’t understand. Continue reading “don’t let things hurt you”

She Has Everything That You Have, Too

what’s wrong with the girl who chase her love first? Isn’t good that the girl knows what she wants and tries her best to achieve it? why is it always the guy who has to chase his love? why can’t girl do it? why girl has to wait and be patient when she has both of her arms and legs? have you forget that she has brain too?

“but, darling, you are a woman so you have to sit here and be pretty and wait for man to droll over your beauty and ask you to be his wife. oh wait, you have to act like you don’t like him. don’t accept his proposal as fast as you can. you have to play hard to get so he would treasure you more.”

those freaking stereotype can go burn hundred meters under the ground.

i’m a woman and i know what and who i want. if i see it, if i meet him, i would do anything to get it. to have it. you can call me disgusting or gross, i don’t care. as long as i can get what i want. why do i have to wait for universe to drop me some good things when i could find and fight for the best?

(nope, it’s not always about man, it’s about life, career, opportunity and everything in the world).