the unrequited one

Friendship is so confusing. At least when you are in a relationship, u have to agree about the date when u decided to be officially together & when you’re done you can just break it up but friendship…no one knows when did it start; it’s just happening and sometimes you don’t know it’s ended already.

In friendship, you might call them friend but they didn’t think the same or the opposite. And when you think it’s tiring you want to break it up but it’s weird to say so to “friend” so you just took step back slowly until disappeared completely from their sight & you’ll be remembered as the arsehole who suddenly disappear and forget everything you’ve been thru together.

I don’t understand, I sometimes didn’t think I’m the “best”friend but somehow the label attached on me. I did not think what we have is worth to be called friendship. I feel like I’m the casual friend who knows too much. Because bestfriend for me is them whom I really can pour my heart and soul into, them whom I could show my most real emotion and the one I mentioned above, sadly, always leaving me with pathetic and sad feeling; a ‘i-dont-belong-here’ feeling, and I’m scared because I can’t talk to them about these feelings.

it’s not their fault, they’re nice people.

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2017 Highlight and Lessons

I found this in my draft and forgot to post it until now; I know we’re in the beginning of second quarter of 2018 already, but I want to post this to remind myself too.

So umm for me 2017 was an up and down year. I’ve graduated, I worked part time at an event, I did my first interpreter job (horribly), i fell in love, I let go person i should’ve not holding on for so long, i met new people, i rediscovering band that i like, i cried for someone who died because of depression. I want to recap things from month to month so let’s see if i remember anything.

Jan: i…don’t remember anything beside i was so worried about my journal but i didn’t do anything until next month. Oh i think i met my boss and he gave me lecture about work environment. And i got new kitties, 2 kitties. Crying over Goblin’s last episode while choosing the class for my last semester. I got my fav classes how lucky.

Feb: my friend’s graduation. I finally working on my journal and found the topic i want to talk about (sexual harassment at workplace) Continue reading “2017 Highlight and Lessons”

contagious thinking

sadar nggak sih kalo selama ini segala hal negatif yang kamu pikirin pada akhirnya bakal balik lagi ke kamu?

(ya halo kali ini aku mau nulis pake bahasa sendiri karena sedang ingin saja)

aku sering banget kayak gitu. bilangnya sih, daripada kecewa mending mempersiapkan diri sendiri dengan kemungkinan terburuk. makanya anaknya jarang ngerasa dikasih harapan palsu karena emang udah mikir jeleknya. nggak juga sih kecewa mah tetep. cuma rasanya nggak bakal sesakit kalo mikir yang bagus-bagus.

sementara orang-orang selalu bilang aku positif, optimis banget. well, guys, that’s just my facade because i dont want anyone else to know what i really think inside. karena aku juga anaknya nggak suka sama orang yang negatif, jadi mending dibilang kepedean daripada keliatannya negatif.

tetapi aku baru sadar. aku sering banget mikir yang jelek dan pada akhirnya beneran terjadi. seperti misalnya, aku lamar ke sebuah perusahaan. sepanjang jalan aku optimis, tapi saat langkah pertama masuk ke dalam gedung, aku langsung berpikir ‘ah aku jadi nggak mau kerja di sini’. perasaanku semakin kuat setelah wawancara dan setelahnya pun aku terus-terusan berpikir kalau aku nggak bakal keterima. and guess what, i did not make it. Continue reading “contagious thinking”

I really, really envy you who have someone that fight for you. For the relationship you guys have. Me? He refused to fight. We could saved it but he didn’t want to. It was only me, alone, trying to keep the ship from drowning. But what can I do when the one who supposedly help me, in order to keep the ship sail, jumped to another big ship as soon as it passed, without even throwing a glance at me?

And it took me years, seven years, to realize that the magic is gone, the feelings are lost somewhere. It might took him that long, too.

The person who made me realized that I was in love with the shadows and crappy memories isn’t even here. I haven’t thank him yet. No, we are not together like those fairy tales told you. I don’t know if he still remember me. We met again last month, worked under the same event (again), passed each other in the alley almost every morning because he took morning to evening shift and i was in night shift. We had several eye contacts, but we never greeted each other. I wasn’t the type of person who will greet people that i know first, except if i were that close to them, and i doubted he remembered me. My friend said he did. But he played along with me. I just shrugged at that suggestion, even though i did wish he remembered me. Continue reading

a tiny spotter

out of all people, why do i have – and always – fall for someone who doesn’t look at me with the same eyes.

i don’t need people to tell me that there are some of them who like me, who love me, i just want someone i fall for feel the same for me. why is it so hard? and why do i always let myself down for thing like this.

when will i learn to not expecting anything from people i love Continue reading “a tiny spotter”

flower

a4b46b7a3289703fab7bdcab46355cb2--flower-aesthetic-quotes-aesthetic-quotes-happyThere are many wise words that I always hear and read everyday. This one, too, I often read it whenever I read book or scroll through social media. I never take it seriously, though, until recently.

I’m in early 20’s, in one of the hardest phase in life. Well, now I think this is the hardest, but I might look back in ten years and laugh at my 21 years old version (“No, honey, you are wrong. Now it’s the hardest part.”). Life is indeed tough, yet we got stronger each days because we could pass it, right?

Everyone has their own pace and time. So do I.

don’t envy the flower next to you which just bloomed, you have your own time. Cherry blossom didn’t bloom until spring because it would die if it forced itself to bloom at winter. So do you. We have our time to shine and we cannot force ourself to shine before its time because it might be killing us. So please hang in there and do your best, your time will surely come.

 

Excuse

Im afraid of people but im more afraid of my mind. Sometimes, it crosses over black zone and i thank my fear for stopping me going there. I like being alone in my room but there is time when i hate it because my head is so noisy and i become depressed. I like walking around alone and you might thinking that im possesed or something but its just me, listening too deep to my own voices in my head.

Im writing this not to invite you to pitying me, i have to write this or im going to be frustrated. Words are my savior, i confessed a lot of things to them than to my parents or family or friends that i meet everyday. I love stumbling around my friends’ blogs or random people’s because they show their other personality through their writing. You see, people become more honest when they pour their words into sentences, into something that other people can read. So do i. I find my self talk a lot easier through writing.

If you are my friend in real life, maybe you’ll feel im not really talking much. If you are my best friend, you do know im talking too much. But theres time when i prefer to be listener and i think it takes most of the time. I tend to build wall around myself, a high and thick one, which no one ever break in. they cant. Even my parents. My brother. My best friends. My now ex boyfriends. Every one has their territory, so i never force anyone to tell me everything unless they want to. I know how it feels.

I feel like im writing this to excuse myself.

There’s time when i wish i could tell people freely about what i feel right now. But looking at their faces, wondering what kind of problems that they have to bear now, stopping me from doing so.

Listening to their rants, seeing them cry, reading their complaints and gloomy sentences on their social media made me realize that im not alone.

Im not the only one who have such a problem so i should stop locking myself in the house. I should stop pitying myself.

But this fear,

What are you afraid of, self?

I dont know.

I want to curl myself and cry, loudly, until my tears dry and I lost my breath. I want to tell people about my fear.

Im so afraid of many things until i lost count on what is exactly thing that im afraid of.

I miss someone that i havent seen in months who doesnt even have any idea that i really want to meet him. I promise myself to be honest and straightforward so i wont torture my ownself yet fear always blocking me from doing things.

hi, i want to tell you i miss you but im afraid that you might laugh at me. I dont want you to not taking my words seriously. I mean every word I said to you.

I shouldve stop blaming everything including myself and just do things i want to do so i could achieve the happiness i’ve always dream of.

Is This What People Call As Pre-graduate Syndrome Or Whatever?

Hi, im going to write depressing things again.

So im at my father’s hometown now. I thought when i meet my grandpa, he’ll lecture me about not having boyfriend like he did everytime i visited him because most of my cousins around my age are getting their partner already. And im going to graduate this august so im preparing myself lol.

But it turned out to be the opposite. He asked me do i want to continue my study. Of course i want to. Then he told me to sign up for the next master degree entrance exam. Like, right away.

I just nodded my head while trying to process it. Wait, i thought about it but i dont want to take any major here because the major that I want is overseas. Beside i never had any intention to continue my study here. Sorry if i sound arrogant but i want to challenge myself even though im pretty pessimistic.

Then i googled my future major and now im frustated because theres no way i could fill the requirements. Im not very confident i could pass. I dont even know what kind of major im going to take if i cant get this one.

I dont have any plan to apply for scholarship right away, though. They want experienced person in the right field to give the scholarship for. Im not qualified for it, at least for now.

I dont know where to start, to be honest. I dont know what im going to be. Im so scared. Why did i want to grow up so bad when i was child and now i want to go back being little girl whose happiness can be fulfilled by happy meals package?

honesty

I thought I know myself very well, but when my friends pointed out to me where did I do wrong, I couldn’t defend myself.

You know, you have to be honest with yourself.”

I’m always honest, am I?

No, you’re not okay. You are saying that you’re okay when actually you’re not. You said that you don’t feel anything when actually you did. If you were normal person, you have to snap at this person for disrespecting you. Just admit that your feeling is different this time.

 

 

(yes sorry, sorry for posting depressing things again. I’ll be back spreading glitter and rainbow, I promise!)