There’s time when i wish i could tell people freely about what i feel right now. But looking at their faces, wondering what kind of problems that they have to bear now, stopping me from doing so.

Listening to their rants, seeing them cry, reading their complaints and gloomy sentences on their social media made me realize that im not alone.

Im not the only one who have such a problem so i should stop locking myself in the house. I should stop pitying myself.

But this fear,

What are you afraid of, self?

I dont know.

I want to curl myself and cry, loudly, until my tears dry and I lost my breath. I want to tell people about my fear.

Im so afraid of many things until i lost count on what is exactly thing that im afraid of.

I miss someone that i havent seen in months who doesnt even have any idea that i really want to meet him. I promise myself to be honest and straightforward so i wont torture my ownself yet fear always blocking me from doing things.

hi, i want to tell you i miss you but im afraid that you might laugh at me. I dont want you to not taking my words seriously. I mean every word I said to you.

I shouldve stop blaming everything including myself and just do things i want to do so i could achieve the happiness i’ve always dream of.

Delusion

Hi, I’m going to tell you a story. Lets call this guy as A. So, I used to think that I love this A guy so much that I can’t fall in love with another guy. I used to think that the feeling wont fade even thought we aren’t in official relationship

Little did I know, I’m wrong

I just deluded myself for being in love with him when actually I was in love with the memories we made.
I had crush on several people, but it was just a phase. I always go back to this person in the end. Thinking that he would be the one for me, that he is my destiny. That we would be together again someday.

 

Then, I meet this B guy.

I can’t say that I fall in love with him, not yet. But I realized something.

I’m not in love with A, bet it still in love or loving him in present tense,
I’m out of love since years ago

I don’t feel anything when I meet the A guy. I mean, I’m happy and excited but that’s it. No different from meeting my other friends. And when we chatted on Line, I smile throughout chat. But I did that too with my other friends. Theres no sparks, no butterflies in my stomach, nothing.

 

And this B guy

He might not know me, heck, he doesn’t even care about me, I can make sure of it.
The last time I meet him was around a month and half ago, and it was dark so I don’t think he remember my face. He didn’t treat me like I’m special to him, I dont even feel special but there was time when I feel like it. He calls me by different name, that my friends laughed at, but I dont mind because it’s him who call me that. I can’t say that the way he treats me give me hope or anything, but the clear thing is, my feeling grow big each days. I don’t know if he knows my feeling for him, maybe he has clue, maybe not. I don’t really care.

Its funny but I can tell when he’s in good mood and when he’s not by his reply.

I don’t know what should I do because its been a long time since I have huge crush on someone. I talked to him, sometimes I greeted him on Whatsapp and talking nonsense or asking irrelevant stuffs, but that’s it. I never like someone like him, so I have no clue. I dont have friends who know him either so I cant ask about his personality (even if I had one, I might not ask, though).
But I feel thankful because he make me realized of something. He opened my eyes. Even though he doesn’t even know he did that to me.
I’m not a believer of “you have to like someone so you can move on” quote because I think when your heart is ready, there you go. After all, you can’t replace people because each one of them serve different purpose in your life. But after I meet him and admit to myself that I have feeling for him, I can say that it’s quite true. Even though it’s just a bit true. Even though for me, I’ve moved on but I need someone to make me realized that I did. I never know that I need a person to confirm it, but now I know.

I want B to be happy, always (I want to be happy with him, too, but it’s so greedy of me). It’s a lie if I said that I’m not expecting anything from him. I want him to return my feeling, of course. But I think I’m just going to enjoy this moment. To enjoy the excitement every time his name appears on my notification bar, to enjoy the butterflies in my stomach and stupid smile that creeps on my face when reading his message, to enjoy the frustration when his reply isn’t what I expected or when I don’t know what to write to keep the conversation going. It’s tiring, confusing, thrilling and exciting at the same time. That’s the art of having a crush, isn’t?

 

Is This What People Call As Pre-graduate Syndrome Or Whatever?

Hi, im going to write depressing things again.

So im at my father’s hometown now. I thought when i meet my grandpa, he’ll lecture me about not having boyfriend like he did everytime i visited him because most of my cousins around my age are getting their partner already. And im going to graduate this august so im preparing myself lol.

But it turned out to be the opposite. He asked me do i want to continue my study. Of course i want to. Then he told me to sign up for the next master degree entrance exam. Like, right away.

I just nodded my head while trying to process it. Wait, i thought about it but i dont want to take any major here because the major that I want is overseas. Beside i never had any intention to continue my study here. Sorry if i sound arrogant but i want to challenge myself even though im pretty pessimistic.

Then i googled my future major and now im frustated because theres no way i could fill the requirements. Im not very confident i could pass. I dont even know what kind of major im going to take if i cant get this one.

I dont have any plan to apply for scholarship right away, though. They want experienced person in the right field to give the scholarship for. Im not qualified for it, at least for now.

I dont know where to start, to be honest. I dont know what im going to be. Im so scared. Why did i want to grow up so bad when i was child and now i want to go back being little girl whose happiness can be fulfilled by happy meals package?

honesty

I thought I know myself very well, but when my friends pointed out to me where did I do wrong, I couldn’t defend myself.

You know, you have to be honest with yourself.”

I’m always honest, am I?

No, you’re not okay. You are saying that you’re okay when actually you’re not. You said that you don’t feel anything when actually you did. If you were normal person, you have to snap at this person for disrespecting you. Just admit that your feeling is different this time.

 

 

(yes sorry, sorry for posting depressing things again. I’ll be back spreading glitter and rainbow, I promise!)