just a little ‘are you okay?’ would mean so much to me, you know.
it’s hard to reach out to people when you have this kind of mindset that your words wont be heard and listened.
please, please hear me, please see me
stop saying and thinking that i’m a burden for telling you about my problem.
i’m suffering, i’m dying, can you please help me? anyone?
i know my God is here but please i need someone, a real one, that i can hug, to reach me. i need a warm hug.
God i know You up there but i need You down here
There are many wise words that I always hear and read everyday. This one, too, I often read it whenever I read book or scroll through social media. I never take it seriously, though, until recently.
I’m in early 20’s, in one of the hardest phase in life. Well, now I think this is the hardest, but I might look back in ten years and laugh at my 21 years old version (“No, honey, you are wrong. Now it’s the hardest part.”). Life is indeed tough, yet we got stronger each days because we could pass it, right?
Everyone has their own pace and time. So do I.
don’t envy the flower next to you which just bloomed, you have your own time. Cherry blossom didn’t bloom until spring because it would die if it forced itself to bloom at winter. So do you. We have our time to shine and we cannot force ourself to shine before its time because it might be killing us. So please hang in there and do your best, your time will surely come.
Im afraid of people but im more afraid of my mind. Sometimes, it crosses over black zone and i thank my fear for stopping me going there. I like being alone in my room but there is time when i hate it because my head is so noisy and i become depressed. I like walking around alone and you might thinking that im possesed or something but its just me, listening too deep to my own voices in my head.
Im writing this not to invite you to pitying me, i have to write this or im going to be frustrated. Words are my savior, i confessed a lot of things to them than to my parents or family or friends that i meet everyday. I love stumbling around my friends’ blogs or random people’s because they show their other personality through their writing. You see, people become more honest when they pour their words into sentences, into something that other people can read. So do i. I find my self talk a lot easier through writing.
If you are my friend in real life, maybe you’ll feel im not really talking much. If you are my best friend, you do know im talking too much. But theres time when i prefer to be listener and i think it takes most of the time. I tend to build wall around myself, a high and thick one, which no one ever break in. they cant. Even my parents. My brother. My best friends. My now ex boyfriends. Every one has their territory, so i never force anyone to tell me everything unless they want to. I know how it feels.
I feel like im writing this to excuse myself.
There’s time when i wish i could tell people freely about what i feel right now. But looking at their faces, wondering what kind of problems that they have to bear now, stopping me from doing so.
Listening to their rants, seeing them cry, reading their complaints and gloomy sentences on their social media made me realize that im not alone.
Im not the only one who have such a problem so i should stop locking myself in the house. I should stop pitying myself.
But this fear,
What are you afraid of, self?
I dont know.
I want to curl myself and cry, loudly, until my tears dry and I lost my breath. I want to tell people about my fear.
Im so afraid of many things until i lost count on what is exactly thing that im afraid of.
I miss someone that i havent seen in months who doesnt even have any idea that i really want to meet him. I promise myself to be honest and straightforward so i wont torture my ownself yet fear always blocking me from doing things.
hi, i want to tell you i miss you but im afraid that you might laugh at me. I dont want you to not taking my words seriously. I mean every word I said to you.
I shouldve stop blaming everything including myself and just do things i want to do so i could achieve the happiness i’ve always dream of.
Hi, im going to write depressing things again.
So im at my father’s hometown now. I thought when i meet my grandpa, he’ll lecture me about not having boyfriend like he did everytime i visited him because most of my cousins around my age are getting their partner already. And im going to graduate this august so im preparing myself lol.
But it turned out to be the opposite. He asked me do i want to continue my study. Of course i want to. Then he told me to sign up for the next master degree entrance exam. Like, right away.
I just nodded my head while trying to process it. Wait, i thought about it but i dont want to take any major here because the major that I want is overseas. Beside i never had any intention to continue my study here. Sorry if i sound arrogant but i want to challenge myself even though im pretty pessimistic.
Then i googled my future major and now im frustated because theres no way i could fill the requirements. Im not very confident i could pass. I dont even know what kind of major im going to take if i cant get this one.
I dont have any plan to apply for scholarship right away, though. They want experienced person in the right field to give the scholarship for. Im not qualified for it, at least for now.
I dont know where to start, to be honest. I dont know what im going to be. Im so scared. Why did i want to grow up so bad when i was child and now i want to go back being little girl whose happiness can be fulfilled by happy meals package?
I thought I know myself very well, but when my friends pointed out to me where did I do wrong, I couldn’t defend myself.
“You know, you have to be honest with yourself.”
I’m always honest, am I?
“No, you’re not okay. You are saying that you’re okay when actually you’re not. You said that you don’t feel anything when actually you did. If you were normal person, you have to snap at this person for disrespecting you. Just admit that your feeling is different this time.”
(yes sorry, sorry for posting depressing things again. I’ll be back spreading glitter and rainbow, I promise!)