when you feel you do not deserve some things

hello! i’m just back for my trip  (and as always i have no idea how to start a post)

so i finally visited KL and did my first business trip with the student exchange program. as i thought…i did a lot of mistakes. SO MANY mistakes, ive embarassed myself in front of 80++ people there. im not really confident with my kr speaking skill (i cant even speak smoothly in my native language) plus not a really good speaker either so you know what the result? a whole mess. but i know i shouldn’t give myself that excuse. i’m now working, not a student anymore. it’s harsher world and not everyone will buy my excuse. I said to Jack that i wasnt really confident and he understood and he went to help me and covered for me several times. I can’t thank him enough.

Not only him, but the whole staff were so understanding and sometimes i feel like crying because of their kind-hearted. I was the only one from my country, with the attribute that shows the difference between us and maybe draw some kind of distance but they always approach me first and i always feel grateful for that. i did feel lonely sometimes and its not once or twice i cursed inside because i feel like an outsider. i felt so disappointed with myself and i just wanted to curl myself on the corner and crybut they always encourage and cheer me up and didn’t scold me at ALL when i more than deserved to be scolded. it’s just…..i feel so upset because i couldn’t even do what im supposed to do. but they made me feel like i’m one of them and they need me.

i dont think i could meet team with big heart and warmness like them again. i feel so sorry because sometimes i single judgely group of people based on what my friends told me, based on their experiences working with those groups but those i met several days ago were the nicest and most amazing people. if there would be another chance to work with them again, i more than willing would come to join them again.

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burden

hi, i’m supposed to do my translation job but here i am.

i have so many thoughts i have to let out here, that’s why.

i feel so overwhelmed recently. i got scolded, i got praised. also, people’s expectations….are starting to tiring me out.

i’m so happy when i got praised but at the same time, i feel so guilty and undeserved. and the burden. i cant disappoint them. i cant make mistake next time. i have to prove that im going to be better.

i want to cry at the number of responsibilities that lay in front of me. but at the same time, i feel proud of myself and so touched with their trust.

tbh i nearly breakdown at the office that day when my supervisors told me what is my task in the next two months. its going to be very hard and i dont think i can do it. i know im going to screw everything up. also they might tell me i disappoint them.

this is a very negative post, i’m sorry. i’m just so so so tired and i dont want to tell anybody about this. i whined and went to rant to my bffs but i dont want to disturb them any further.

i hope im strong enough to pass this and i hope i could fill their expectations.

i will work harder.

also, i want to cry. i really want to cry.

 

sometimes i wish i could see myself in another person’s eyes. i hope i can see myself in them when they praised me, so i could see if i really deserve the praise or if they were just saying it to cheer me up. when people said that the true enemy is yourself, it’s true. loving and accepting yourself is so hard. i thought i finally know how to love myself but i realized i hate myself more than anyone.

the unrequited one

Friendship is so confusing. At least when you are in a relationship, u have to agree about the date when u decided to be officially together & when you’re done you can just break it up but friendship…no one knows when did it start; it’s just happening and sometimes you don’t know it’s ended already.

In friendship, you might call them friend but they didn’t think the same or the opposite. And when you think it’s tiring you want to break it up but it’s weird to say so to “friend” so you just took step back slowly until disappeared completely from their sight & you’ll be remembered as the arsehole who suddenly disappear and forget everything you’ve been thru together.

I don’t understand, I sometimes didn’t think I’m the “best”friend but somehow the label attached on me. I did not think what we have is worth to be called friendship. I feel like I’m the casual friend who knows too much. Because bestfriend for me is them whom I really can pour my heart and soul into, them whom I could show my most real emotion and the one I mentioned above, sadly, always leaving me with pathetic and sad feeling; a ‘i-dont-belong-here’ feeling, and I’m scared because I can’t talk to them about these feelings.

it’s not their fault, they’re nice people.

2017 Highlight and Lessons

I found this in my draft and forgot to post it until now; I know we’re in the beginning of second quarter of 2018 already, but I want to post this to remind myself too.

So umm for me 2017 was an up and down year. I’ve graduated, I worked part time at an event, I did my first interpreter job (horribly), i fell in love, I let go person i should’ve not holding on for so long, i met new people, i rediscovering band that i like, i cried for someone who died because of depression. I want to recap things from month to month so let’s see if i remember anything.

Jan: i…don’t remember anything beside i was so worried about my journal but i didn’t do anything until next month. Oh i think i met my boss and he gave me lecture about work environment. And i got new kitties, 2 kitties. Crying over Goblin’s last episode while choosing the class for my last semester. I got my fav classes how lucky.

Feb: my friend’s graduation. I finally working on my journal and found the topic i want to talk about (sexual harassment at workplace) Continue reading “2017 Highlight and Lessons”

contagious thinking

sadar nggak sih kalo selama ini segala hal negatif yang kamu pikirin pada akhirnya bakal balik lagi ke kamu?

(ya halo kali ini aku mau nulis pake bahasa sendiri karena sedang ingin saja)

aku sering banget kayak gitu. bilangnya sih, daripada kecewa mending mempersiapkan diri sendiri dengan kemungkinan terburuk. makanya anaknya jarang ngerasa dikasih harapan palsu karena emang udah mikir jeleknya. nggak juga sih kecewa mah tetep. cuma rasanya nggak bakal sesakit kalo mikir yang bagus-bagus.

sementara orang-orang selalu bilang aku positif, optimis banget. well, guys, that’s just my facade because i dont want anyone else to know what i really think inside. karena aku juga anaknya nggak suka sama orang yang negatif, jadi mending dibilang kepedean daripada keliatannya negatif.

tetapi aku baru sadar. aku sering banget mikir yang jelek dan pada akhirnya beneran terjadi. seperti misalnya, aku lamar ke sebuah perusahaan. sepanjang jalan aku optimis, tapi saat langkah pertama masuk ke dalam gedung, aku langsung berpikir ‘ah aku jadi nggak mau kerja di sini’. perasaanku semakin kuat setelah wawancara dan setelahnya pun aku terus-terusan berpikir kalau aku nggak bakal keterima. and guess what, i did not make it. Continue reading “contagious thinking”

I really, really envy you who have someone that fight for you. For the relationship you guys have. Me? He refused to fight. We could saved it but he didn’t want to. It was only me, alone, trying to keep the ship from drowning. But what can I do when the one who supposedly help me, in order to keep the ship sail, jumped to another big ship as soon as it passed, without even throwing a glance at me?

And it took me years, seven years, to realize that the magic is gone, the feelings are lost somewhere. It might took him that long, too.

The person who made me realized that I was in love with the shadows and crappy memories isn’t even here. I haven’t thank him yet. No, we are not together like those fairy tales told you. I don’t know if he still remember me. We met again last month, worked under the same event (again), passed each other in the alley almost every morning because he took morning to evening shift and i was in night shift. We had several eye contacts, but we never greeted each other. I wasn’t the type of person who will greet people that i know first, except if i were that close to them, and i doubted he remembered me. My friend said he did. But he played along with me. I just shrugged at that suggestion, even though i did wish he remembered me. Continue reading

a tiny spotter

out of all people, why do i have – and always – fall for someone who doesn’t look at me with the same eyes.

i don’t need people to tell me that there are some of them who like me, who love me, i just want someone i fall for feel the same for me. why is it so hard? and why do i always let myself down for thing like this.

when will i learn to not expecting anything from people i love Continue reading “a tiny spotter”

flower

a4b46b7a3289703fab7bdcab46355cb2--flower-aesthetic-quotes-aesthetic-quotes-happyThere are many wise words that I always hear and read everyday. This one, too, I often read it whenever I read book or scroll through social media. I never take it seriously, though, until recently.

I’m in early 20’s, in one of the hardest phase in life. Well, now I think this is the hardest, but I might look back in ten years and laugh at my 21 years old version (“No, honey, you are wrong. Now it’s the hardest part.”). Life is indeed tough, yet we got stronger each days because we could pass it, right?

Everyone has their own pace and time. So do I.

don’t envy the flower next to you which just bloomed, you have your own time. Cherry blossom didn’t bloom until spring because it would die if it forced itself to bloom at winter. So do you. We have our time to shine and we cannot force ourself to shine before its time because it might be killing us. So please hang in there and do your best, your time will surely come.

 

Excuse

Im afraid of people but im more afraid of my mind. Sometimes, it crosses over black zone and i thank my fear for stopping me going there. I like being alone in my room but there is time when i hate it because my head is so noisy and i become depressed. I like walking around alone and you might thinking that im possesed or something but its just me, listening too deep to my own voices in my head.

Im writing this not to invite you to pitying me, i have to write this or im going to be frustrated. Words are my savior, i confessed a lot of things to them than to my parents or family or friends that i meet everyday. I love stumbling around my friends’ blogs or random people’s because they show their other personality through their writing. You see, people become more honest when they pour their words into sentences, into something that other people can read. So do i. I find my self talk a lot easier through writing.

If you are my friend in real life, maybe you’ll feel im not really talking much. If you are my best friend, you do know im talking too much. But theres time when i prefer to be listener and i think it takes most of the time. I tend to build wall around myself, a high and thick one, which no one ever break in. they cant. Even my parents. My brother. My best friends. My now ex boyfriends. Every one has their territory, so i never force anyone to tell me everything unless they want to. I know how it feels.

I feel like im writing this to excuse myself.

There’s time when i wish i could tell people freely about what i feel right now. But looking at their faces, wondering what kind of problems that they have to bear now, stopping me from doing so.

Listening to their rants, seeing them cry, reading their complaints and gloomy sentences on their social media made me realize that im not alone.

Im not the only one who have such a problem so i should stop locking myself in the house. I should stop pitying myself.

But this fear,

What are you afraid of, self?

I dont know.

I want to curl myself and cry, loudly, until my tears dry and I lost my breath. I want to tell people about my fear.

Im so afraid of many things until i lost count on what is exactly thing that im afraid of.

I miss someone that i havent seen in months who doesnt even have any idea that i really want to meet him. I promise myself to be honest and straightforward so i wont torture my ownself yet fear always blocking me from doing things.

hi, i want to tell you i miss you but im afraid that you might laugh at me. I dont want you to not taking my words seriously. I mean every word I said to you.

I shouldve stop blaming everything including myself and just do things i want to do so i could achieve the happiness i’ve always dream of.