grief and the souls that lack empathy

at december 18, 2017, a mother and father lose their son. a sister lose her brother. a band lose its member. group of friends lose their other half. a nation lose one of their best citizen. thousands, or even hundred thousands of fans lose their inspiration. and heaven, heaven gain an angel. God picked one of the best flowers He planted in this world.

i don’t know him personally, i cant call myself a fan but i enjoyed his music. his was one of the best. and losing him broke me more than i can imagine. my tears keep flowing when i read the news, when i saw my friends who were his fans reacted to this sad news. my heart is broken, along with them. i refused to wake up this morning because i couldnt bring myself to accept the reality. to know that he isn’t here anymore. to know that he already move from this world.

i cant imagine the pain that his family going through, his friends, colleagues, and his fans. everyone who interacted with him in daily basis. how hard it must be. i hope they wont blaming themself or each other. i hope they can accept that he is gone.

among this grief, there are people who belittle him. who laugh at us for mourning and crying. they said he didn’t deserve the mourn, grief and tears.

who are you to say that? are you my prophet? are you my God?

i believe my prophet taught me and his followers to pray for everyone, EVERY SINGLE SOUL in this world no matter how bad they are, no matter what their religion or race is. i dont think i have to ask for anyone’s permission for whom i sent my pray. its between me and my God. its exclusive. do you gain fast track to heaven for dictating me about my prayer? why cant we just grief together?

how hard it is to say “i’m sorry for your loss”? how hard it is to have an empathy? how can you be so proud of your religion if you didnt act like religious person?

and please stop blaming him for ending himself, he already did that and we cant weight him for another blame. him blaming himself was his punishment. i wish he made peace with himself and find happiness there.

hello, Kim Jong-hyun, if you were watching, i hope you know there are so many people who love you. I wish you gain the best place in paradise. i hope you are not in pain right now. i hope you are happy.





You ought to put mask on your face everyday. An adult has to.
You put different faces until you dont know which one is the original one.

But maybe to solve the problem, you can choose the most comfortable one that you can put on. Its going to be your original face, the mask you use when you meet people that you feel like home.
Its not the bare face, its still mask, a mask that so comfortable on you to the point where you thought the mask is yourself.
Yet, darling, you never be your own self until there is no one there.


I’m curious what kind of mask you put on when you reply to my message. When we meet, someday, if God so generous to let us meet under His blessing. I want to know which kind of face I have to choose when I meet you. I hope its the thinnest one, the most comfortable mask I love to wear and I wish yours too.


Its like
trying to assure the cat who is stuck on the tree.
He know how to climb it but he doesnt have any courage to go down
I’m trying my best to courage him to jump
or climb down

“Hey you can jump into my arms, I wont hurt you”

But I know, deep down its me who is afraid
of his claws that might stab me once he jump,
of his reaction once he’s in my arms,
is he going to run away from me,
or let me calming his shaking body down, petting his fluffy fur and bring him home?


‘You have 9 lives like a cat, aren’t you?’
‘Cat? It’s cute but it makes mess everywhere’
‘Lol yeah cute and annoying’
‘Cute? Lol’
‘I mean, cat is cute and you’re annoying’

She Has Everything That You Have, Too

what’s wrong with the girl who chase her love first? Isn’t good that the girl knows what she wants and tries her best to achieve it? why is it always the guy who has to chase his love? why can’t girl do it? why girl has to wait and be patient when she has both of her arms and legs? have you forget that she has brain too?

“but, darling, you are a woman so you have to sit here and be pretty and wait for man to droll over your beauty and ask you to be his wife. oh wait, you have to act like you don’t like him. don’t accept his proposal as fast as you can. you have to play hard to get so he would treasure you more.”

those freaking stereotype can go burn hundred meters under the ground.

i’m a woman and i know what and who i want. if i see it, if i meet him, i would do anything to get it. to have it. you can call me disgusting or gross, i don’t care. as long as i can get what i want. why do i have to wait for universe to drop me some good things when i could find and fight for the best?

(nope, it’s not always about man, it’s about life, career, opportunity and everything in the world).


easy for you

it’s easy to fall in love
with you
with simple things around
it’s only take one conversation, one gaze, a warm smile, in one second

God makes it so easy for people to like things, to love someone
but why people love to spread hate
when it’s easier to fall in love instead?

I’m so sick of the world, there are so much hate currently. people kill themselves and another so easy as if they were flies. those who are so selfish who think their God would love them when actually they did something that He opposed. medias are full of negative things. what kind of the world I live now, I don’t know.

so many bad things happened here to the point where people getting praised for being nice, when actually that’s our root. isn’t ironic for being praised of something that we’re SUPPOSED to do? I’m not a prophet nor holy person but being kind to each other is our nature, human nature. why is it so hard to apply, when you can get double happiness, to the person you’re giving something to and to yourself who did a good deed?

grieve and the people she left behind

so two weeks ago, my grandmother passed away.

it was so sudden, i was playing with my phone in room, meanwhile my dad just arrived at home when one of my uncle called then told him the sudden bad news. dad was confused, we were confused because the one who usually visit hospital was my grandfather but it was his wife that left him first. i think that was the first time i saw my dad was so helpless. mom helped him by instructing him to go right away.

to be honest, i’m not really close with my dad’s mom, i’m closer to grandmother from my mom’s side because i met her more often. and one of the ultimate reason is, my mom’s mother spoke bahasa to me. another grandma of mine only speak javanese, while i dont understand a single sentence of it. sometimes i feel sad because i cant communicate well with her, unlike my cousins who live near my grandpas’ house so they’re native for javanese.

i went to their house four days after my dad went because that time my mom was sick so we had to wait until she felt better. i didn’t visit her grave, only dad and my lil brother who went. we were busy prepare things for “7 harian” event, so three days just passed like that and we went back home.

i never like funeral. well, who does? i might sound evil but i never went to any funeral because i can’t stand people crying, losing their loved one. but at the end of last year, i went to funeral of my junior, the first funeral i’ve ever attended. he was such a nice junior, we never had long chat, i even thought he didnt know that i was his senior until one day he greeted me and i had to check if it was me he smiled at. turned out it was me and i was kinda touched. long story short, his funeral was packed with people. they were crying, shedding their tears and praying for him. i couldn’t stand any of that. until i got home, until two weeks after that, i still felt down. i really hate funeral and i wish to never attend it ever again this year. but God has plan.

it was sad for us, especially my grandfather. he is a strong grandpa, everyone has to listen and do exactly as he said. i dont think he and my grandma had strong relationship because of some marriage issues that i heard, until the day when my grandma passed away. he tried to look okay and shooed his children and grandchildren away from home. when actually he was not. my aunts went to checked on him, but he always turned them away.

i dont know what should i do when i meet him again. he looks though but fragile. i know how it feels when people are pitying and trying to help you. i dont like that and i think i got it from him.

his house is too big to live for himself, even when my grandma still alive it was too big for two of them. he built that house for my family actually, because dad is their first and only son. but we have a life here, we can’t move there. i don’t know what will happen when my grandfather passed away, or after i got married. is my dad going to move there or not, i never ask.

i thought i wont feel this sad because i wasn’t close with my grandma, but family is family no matter how far your relationship is.

hi grandma, if you are there, if you read this, i want to let you know that i love you. i’m sorry for not being the granddaughter that you’d hope to be, but i’m trying my best to be better each day. please find my other grandma who went there first. i wish you would rest in peace.