“it’s cruel that i have to wish for your happiness that doesn’t include me”

me 8 years ago would probably hold to this words tightly. when i thought i should have been the one who is happy. i didn’t care how much it would hurt my counterpart, as long as i am happy.

but me, now, i don’t care about my own feeling. as long as that person happy, as long as you happy. i’m happy, too.

(i wish you were really, and genuinely, happy. if you were not, i’m going to be upset because you do know you can’t fool yourself. i don’t want to lie to myself, i do have the feeling, but i really want you to be happy on top of that.)

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a tiny spotter

out of all people, why do i have – and always – fall for someone who doesn’t look at me with the same eyes.

i don’t need people to tell me that there are some of them who like me, who love me, i just want someone i fall for feel the same for me. why is it so hard? and why do i always let myself down for thing like this.

when will i learn to not expecting anything from people i love Continue reading “a tiny spotter”

‘I admired you too much. Now I can see it clearly. When we fall in love we turn the other person into our god – how dangerous is that? And when he doesn’t love us back, we respond with anger, resentment, hatred … There’s something about love that resembles faith. It’s a kind of blind trust, isn’t? The sweetest euphoria. The magic of connecting with a being beyond our limited, familiar selves. But if we get carried away by love – or by faith – it turns into a dogma, a fixation. The sweetness becomes sour. We suffer in the hands of the gods that we ourselves created.’

‘I must be one of the last persons on earth to be considered a god,’

‘It wasn’t you. It was the Azur I had created for myself. The one I needed in order to make sense of my own fragmented past. That’s the professor I was infatuated with. The Azur in my mind.’

-Elif Shafak, Three Daughters of Elves, p. 395

 

Mask

You ought to put mask on your face everyday. An adult has to.
You put different faces until you dont know which one is the original one.

But maybe to solve the problem, you can choose the most comfortable one that you can put on. Its going to be your original face, the mask you use when you meet people that you feel like home.
Its not the bare face, its still mask, a mask that so comfortable on you to the point where you thought the mask is yourself.
Yet, darling, you never be your own self until there is no one there.

 

I’m curious what kind of mask you put on when you reply to my message. When we meet, someday, if God so generous to let us meet under His blessing. I want to know which kind of face I have to choose when I meet you. I hope its the thinnest one, the most comfortable mask I love to wear and I wish yours too.

honesty

I thought I know myself very well, but when my friends pointed out to me where did I do wrong, I couldn’t defend myself.

You know, you have to be honest with yourself.”

I’m always honest, am I?

No, you’re not okay. You are saying that you’re okay when actually you’re not. You said that you don’t feel anything when actually you did. If you were normal person, you have to snap at this person for disrespecting you. Just admit that your feeling is different this time.

 

 

(yes sorry, sorry for posting depressing things again. I’ll be back spreading glitter and rainbow, I promise!)

Advice for the Younger Me

Inspired by today’s ask.fm question. It’s pretty useless and it’s look like I can’t let go my past and regretting them (which is half true) but for me this question is interesting. I need this question.

So looking back, I know what I’m gonna say.

Dear the younger me in junior high school…
Okay, the thing is, you now in junior high school with different people from various background and attitude so try to fit yourself in them. Don’t force it, because in the end you will find them who will be with you till the end. You might go into some stupid fight with some of the upperclassmen but you’ll getting closer with 3 of them in the end. Don’t make a stupid promise such as not going to know the boys because its okay to be friends with them! Some rules are mean to be disobeyed but please do not take it too far. You can be a good student while breaking some rules. Go swimming, writing, practicing your speaking skill in public. Please do it. Improve your language skill because it won’t be a waste. Go out of your room, your comfort zone. Talk and listen to your juniors, smile to them, don’t let them said that you have a scary face. Appreciate your friends. Write a lot. Like, a lot. Your diaries will be your treasure, your oasis, when you miss this time.
Then when you fall in love, you will fall hard. It’s not love at first, but you will be with him anyway. Do not do anything stupid, keep your mind in the right track. Don’t be spoiled one. Remember you ain’t live in fairy tale like you always dream. Don’t force yourself to write it as your fairy tale. A relationship isn’t something like that, it’s beyond that. In the end, you will never regret to fall in love with him. Continue reading “Advice for the Younger Me”

Fairy Tale

She read too many fairy tales to the point she believed that she lives in one.

She forced herself to write the exact same fairy tales like those things she read but little did she know that life is so much cruel than that.

She thought she found her prince charming, when actually hers left her in despair.

She tried to reach him back but everytime he responded, she pushed him away.

She was being stupidly jealous to her own friends who were getting close to him when she could not.

She’s clinging onto the shadow of him for seven years and feeling so pathetic for that.

Now he is nowhere to be found and she is too afraid to approach him first again.

She write everything about him, literally everything, in everywhere. In her journals, her notebook, the piece of paper she found randomly, her mirror, her bedroom wall, her memo on phone. If spelling his name will get her a penny, she would have been a billionaire now.

She is so obsessed with him and its scary.

She deluded herself for being in love with him when actually she is sickeningly obsessed.

A Letter for the Future

Dear my children..

Honestly, this is pretty cringey. Forgive me, I don’t even know when will I meet you, or can I have you.

First, thank you for being born. I might not be what you want to claim about best mom, but I’m trying my best for you. We cannot be the richest or happiest family, but we can be comfortable with each other. I want you to feel like home when you are home, not just a place where you have to go back after school.

How old are you guys now? Fifteen? Seventeen? Or nearly my age when I type this letter?

I apologize if I’m being protective, while my own parents, or your grandparents, were never being protective over me and your uncle. I’m a wrench inside, I’m scarred of losing people that I love. It makes sense that I always try to push people around me. I do not want to be attached. I did feel hurt, once, and I never want to feel it again. It was annoying and depressing. I was like a hindrance for everyone around me that time; my family, my classmates, my middle school friends. Pretty embarrassing to remember that but it taught me a lot of things. Continue reading “A Letter for the Future”