‘I admired you too much. Now I can see it clearly. When we fall in love we turn the other person into our god – how dangerous is that? And when he doesn’t love us back, we respond with anger, resentment, hatred … There’s something about love that resembles faith. It’s a kind of blind trust, isn’t? The sweetest euphoria. The magic of connecting with a being beyond our limited, familiar selves. But if we get carried away by love – or by faith – it turns into a dogma, a fixation. The sweetness becomes sour. We suffer in the hands of the gods that we ourselves created.’

‘I must be one of the last persons on earth to be considered a god,’

‘It wasn’t you. It was the Azur I had created for myself. The one I needed in order to make sense of my own fragmented past. That’s the professor I was infatuated with. The Azur in my mind.’

-Elif Shafak, Three Daughters of Elves, p. 395

 

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Mask

You ought to put mask on your face everyday. An adult has to.
You put different faces until you dont know which one is the original one.

But maybe to solve the problem, you can choose the most comfortable one that you can put on. Its going to be your original face, the mask you use when you meet people that you feel like home.
Its not the bare face, its still mask, a mask that so comfortable on you to the point where you thought the mask is yourself.
Yet, darling, you never be your own self until there is no one there.

 

I’m curious what kind of mask you put on when you reply to my message. When we meet, someday, if God so generous to let us meet under His blessing. I want to know which kind of face I have to choose when I meet you. I hope its the thinnest one, the most comfortable mask I love to wear and I wish yours too.

Cat

Its like
trying to assure the cat who is stuck on the tree.
He know how to climb it but he doesnt have any courage to go down
I’m trying my best to courage him to jump
or climb down

“Hey you can jump into my arms, I wont hurt you”

But I know, deep down its me who is afraid
of his claws that might stab me once he jump,
of his reaction once he’s in my arms,
is he going to run away from me,
or let me calming his shaking body down, petting his fluffy fur and bring him home?

 

‘You have 9 lives like a cat, aren’t you?’
‘Cat? It’s cute but it makes mess everywhere’
‘Lol yeah cute and annoying’
‘Cute? Lol’
‘I mean, cat is cute and you’re annoying’

honesty

I thought I know myself very well, but when my friends pointed out to me where did I do wrong, I couldn’t defend myself.

You know, you have to be honest with yourself.”

I’m always honest, am I?

No, you’re not okay. You are saying that you’re okay when actually you’re not. You said that you don’t feel anything when actually you did. If you were normal person, you have to snap at this person for disrespecting you. Just admit that your feeling is different this time.

 

 

(yes sorry, sorry for posting depressing things again. I’ll be back spreading glitter and rainbow, I promise!)

Advice for the Younger Me

Inspired by today’s ask.fm question. It’s pretty useless and it’s look like I can’t let go my past and regretting them (which is half true) but for me this question is interesting. I need this question.

So looking back, I know what I’m gonna say.

Dear the younger me in junior high school…
Okay, the thing is, you now in junior high school with different people from various background and attitude so try to fit yourself in them. Don’t force it, because in the end you will find them who will be with you till the end. You might go into some stupid fight with some of the upperclassmen but you’ll getting closer with 3 of them in the end. Don’t make a stupid promise such as not going to know the boys because its okay to be friends with them! Some rules are mean to be disobeyed but please do not take it too far. You can be a good student while breaking some rules. Go swimming, writing, practicing your speaking skill in public. Please do it. Improve your language skill because it won’t be a waste. Go out of your room, your comfort zone. Talk and listen to your juniors, smile to them, don’t let them said that you have a scary face. Appreciate your friends. Write a lot. Like, a lot. Your diaries will be your treasure, your oasis, when you miss this time.
Then when you fall in love, you will fall hard. It’s not love at first, but you will be with him anyway. Do not do anything stupid, keep your mind in the right track. Don’t be spoiled one. Remember you ain’t live in fairy tale like you always dream. Don’t force yourself to write it as your fairy tale. A relationship isn’t something like that, it’s beyond that. In the end, you will never regret to fall in love with him.

Dear me in high school…
First thing first, you will be grateful to get classmate like your 10th grade one. You will meet your old crush in elementary school but you still can’t talk normally with him even though you don’t have any feeling for him again (in note: go talk to him like you do with the other boys). You will find your study left behind people in your class so study harder. Don’t do drama. Don’t feed the troll. Embrace your hurt, let him go. Be friends with his friends and act normal in front of people. It’s okay to cry in first week but do not bawl every night until your eyes swell. You will like someone again and don’t do stupid things again. Let things flow. Talk to people your honest feeling. Do not shut your self out of people, especially your friends. Study hard and seriously, especially your EAP class. Go consult with the teacher for your future study plan or you will regret it forever.

I know I cannot go back but writing this post make me remember those time and I realized I should do better so the future of me won’t write the ‘don’t’s again like I do now.

Fairy Tale

She read too many fairy tales to the point she believed that she lives in one.

She forced herself to write the exact same fairy tales like those things she read but little did she know that life is so much cruel than that.

She thought she found her prince charming, when actually hers left her in despair.

She tried to reach him back but everytime he responded, she pushed him away.

She was being stupidly jealous to her own friends who were getting close to him when she could not.

She’s clinging onto the shadow of him for seven years and feeling so pathetic for that.

Now he is nowhere to be found and she is too afraid to approach him first again.

She write everything about him, literally everything, in everywhere. In her journals, her notebook, the piece of paper she found randomly, her mirror, her bedroom wall, her memo on phone. If spelling his name will get her a penny, she would have been a billionaire now.

She is so obsessed with him and its scary.

She deluded herself for being in love with him when actually she is sickeningly obsessed.