if u ask

Im not asking for extravagant things

I just want you and me
in a cafè,
or simply anywhere would do if you dislike coffee,
talking, chatting and laughing about our life

Is it too much to ask?

(Yes, it is)

I want to but im so messed up right now i dont want to bring you down with me i dont want to bring anyone down let me down here by myself.

 

 

‘Please come’
‘Lol its so far’
‘Youre so lazy. But its far indeed’
‘Lol you admit it’
‘Just for once’
‘You really want me to come, dont you?’
(Yes, so bring yourself here please)

 

(lol nope i know you cant come even if i force you and i dont want to force you and i dont want you to come to be honest)

Mask

You ought to put mask on your face everyday. An adult has to.
You put different faces until you dont know which one is the original one.

But maybe to solve the problem, you can choose the most comfortable one that you can put on. Its going to be your original face, the mask you use when you meet people that you feel like home.
Its not the bare face, its still mask, a mask that so comfortable on you to the point where you thought the mask is yourself.
Yet, darling, you never be your own self until there is no one there.

 

I’m curious what kind of mask you put on when you reply to my message. When we meet, someday, if God so generous to let us meet under His blessing. I want to know which kind of face I have to choose when I meet you. I hope its the thinnest one, the most comfortable mask I love to wear and I wish yours too.

Is This What People Call As Pre-graduate Syndrome Or Whatever?

Hi, im going to write depressing things again.

So im at my father’s hometown now. I thought when i meet my grandpa, he’ll lecture me about not having boyfriend like he did everytime i visited him because most of my cousins around my age are getting their partner already. And im going to graduate this august so im preparing myself lol.

But it turned out to be the opposite. He asked me do i want to continue my study. Of course i want to. Then he told me to sign up for the next master degree entrance exam. Like, right away.

I just nodded my head while trying to process it. Wait, i thought about it but i dont want to take any major here because the major that I want is overseas. Beside i never had any intention to continue my study here. Sorry if i sound arrogant but i want to challenge myself even though im pretty pessimistic.

Then i googled my future major and now im frustated because theres no way i could fill the requirements. Im not very confident i could pass. I dont even know what kind of major im going to take if i cant get this one.

I dont have any plan to apply for scholarship right away, though. They want experienced person in the right field to give the scholarship for. Im not qualified for it, at least for now.

I dont know where to start, to be honest. I dont know what im going to be. Im so scared. Why did i want to grow up so bad when i was child and now i want to go back being little girl whose happiness can be fulfilled by happy meals package?

easy for you

it’s easy to fall in love
with you
with simple things around
it’s only take one conversation, one gaze, a warm smile, in one second

God makes it so easy for people to like things, to love someone
but why people love to spread hate
when it’s easier to fall in love instead?

I’m so sick of the world, there are so much hate currently. people kill themselves and another so easy as if they were flies. those who are so selfish who think their God would love them when actually they did something that He opposed. medias are full of negative things. what kind of the world I live now, I don’t know.

so many bad things happened here to the point where people getting praised for being nice, when actually that’s our root. isn’t ironic for being praised of something that we’re SUPPOSED to do? I’m not a prophet nor holy person but being kind to each other is our nature, human nature. why is it so hard to apply, when you can get double happiness, to the person you’re giving something to and to yourself who did a good deed?

his name is so beautiful that i can’t help but recite his whenever it appears on my phone screen

(why is
human relationship
so difficult?

or maybe it is simple but I am the one who complicate things)

i’m smiling like an idiot, please help me

 

 

Hi for May 18th guy

When i wrote this, i already ask you about your birthday (I just realized your birthday was written in your phone number – oh wait can i joke about the 2 last digit as your birth year?)

But i swear when i wrote the original post, i have no idea about your birthday

Here it goes Ara being creepy part 87163728

 

So,

I wish you have a belated year ahead. Not just a year but yearsss ahead.
I wish you’ll receive a lot of love from people that you love.
I wish you will always be happy.

(Its not everyday that your age will be plus a year, and im so so late writing this – its june 5th if youre wondering)

Thank you for making me happy even tho i never said that your simple reply made my day. Sorry for being annoying and disturbing, too, lol.

(And thank you if you read this and know that this post is for you)

bee-bee doubleyou

hello! I haven’t post something that tell people about my days so here it is.
not exactly my day, but I just want to share this.

So, I joined an event outside the campus. This was the second time, well not the same event, I mean, joining an external event-slash-part timing (or volunteering, up to you). The first time was on October, it was a K-event and most of my friends were working there so naturally I joined them. This time, no. And the event was bigger than the previous one so to be honest I was so scared and nervous when I signed up. I didn’t have any experience too, but I really want to join this one since a year ago (I’m not lying, I really do!).

Well, so I saw the recruitment announcement on Line and decided to sign up. I thought I’m going to do this alone, but two of my friends said that they wanted to do it too, so we sent our applications together. We came to the interview (or briefing to be exact) and chose the same section (lol but I wasn’t interested on another section so there it went my choice). To cut it short, three of us made it, but one of my friend decided to cancel it because some issues so it was just two of us.

Guess what it was kinda annoying at first. I’m not the type of person who frequently appear on group chat (yes, I’m that annoying and ignorant person who only read the chat and never respond) and before the event began, there were some chaos occurred. It’s kinda predictable, to be honest. That’s what you get when you meet (well, not directly meet but you may get my point) bunch of people who shared different type of jokes and work ethic with you.

About the event. Well, it wasn’t perfect. There were a lot of complains, some unexpected things. But it got praised, too, so it wasn’t that bad.

For me, I got mixed feeling. At first, I doubt I could do it. I got night shift and my body wasn’t used to it. But I met such a great people who push me through those hard nights. I don’t have single regret for joining this event.

Sure, I met a lot, really lot, of people who keep pissing me off. But there were many of them that made me laugh and forgot about the negative things. I was so pissed with this one girl who in same group with me on set up days because she always complained about things. But I meet a lot of fun people while working so I forgot about her. I got scolded by a group of customers until I wanted to cry on the spot, but then not long after those customers gone, my chief cashier went to me and told me to take a break. The next day, my chief cashier moved me to another section that was unfamiliar to me and I had those unwelcoming faces when I came (I’m not deluding myself because my other friends went there too on the other day and they told me the same thing). But I met one person that always talk to my friend and he was so nice to me and so the team leader and one of the crew who approached me first and talked to me and I felt better.

there were a lot of negative things, like, so many of them until I lost count but I’m not gonna mention it one by one. I couldn’t tell you the exact story of my working days but to make it short: it was fun. It’s really fun. I really wanted to join the event again, I really do.

I said that I don’t have any regrets, but I do lol. I didn’t take the picture with some of the people who were close to me and helping me during the event. I didn’t give them anything, when in fact, I planned to give each one of them something. I did give some of them, but I really wished I had time to thank them all. It might sound weird and cringey but I used to do this so its kinda unusual if I didn’t do it.

I think, this was the first time I work outside my zone (aka Korea). I must say, it’s so different. and it was better. I like my employers, they treated the crews like… friends? I mean, most of them didn’t act so high and bossy when they have any rights to do that. Okay, I know if I said this in front of my friends they’re gonna deny it so hard lol, but it was different for me. I used to work with K peeps (lol why this sound like I’m a pro when it comes to them, no its the opposite but you get my point, right?) and fyi they have seniority complex (idk is it the right word?). Like, some of them as superior tend to act like one, I mean, really bossy and annoying and have a lot of request that wasnt make sense and they like to do things so sudden and change their mind so quick. But I was happy with the way my supervisors here at this event working. I respected them, and they’re fun to talk to.

I joined this in order to challenge myself and I’m glad I did. I gained so much and I don’t think I lose anything (wait, i think i lost weight lol). Thank you for the experience!

ps: this post is so disoriented I don’t know what im gonna write i just want to type this out of my brain and this is so messy so its ok if you dont understand. and its been around 2 weeks i miss it so much.

grieve and the people she left behind

so two weeks ago, my grandmother passed away.

it was so sudden, i was playing with my phone in room, meanwhile my dad just arrived at home when one of my uncle called then told him the sudden bad news. dad was confused, we were confused because the one who usually visit hospital was my grandfather but it was his wife that left him first. i think that was the first time i saw my dad was so helpless. mom helped him by instructing him to go right away.

to be honest, i’m not really close with my dad’s mom, i’m closer to grandmother from my mom’s side because i met her more often. and one of the ultimate reason is, my mom’s mother spoke bahasa to me. another grandma of mine only speak javanese, while i dont understand a single sentence of it. sometimes i feel sad because i cant communicate well with her, unlike my cousins who live near my grandpas’ house so they’re native for javanese.

i went to their house four days after my dad went because that time my mom was sick so we had to wait until she felt better. i didn’t visit her grave, only dad and my lil brother who went. we were busy prepare things for “7 harian” event, so three days just passed like that and we went back home.

i never like funeral. well, who does? i might sound evil but i never went to any funeral because i can’t stand people crying, losing their loved one. but at the end of last year, i went to funeral of my junior, the first funeral i’ve ever attended. he was such a nice junior, we never had long chat, i even thought he didnt know that i was his senior until one day he greeted me and i had to check if it was me he smiled at. turned out it was me and i was kinda touched. long story short, his funeral was packed with people. they were crying, shedding their tears and praying for him. i couldn’t stand any of that. until i got home, until two weeks after that, i still felt down. i really hate funeral and i wish to never attend it ever again this year. but God has plan.

it was sad for us, especially my grandfather. he is a strong grandpa, everyone has to listen and do exactly as he said. i dont think he and my grandma had strong relationship because of some marriage issues that i heard, until the day when my grandma passed away. he tried to look okay and shooed his children and grandchildren away from home. when actually he was not. my aunts went to checked on him, but he always turned them away.

i dont know what should i do when i meet him again. he looks though but fragile. i know how it feels when people are pitying and trying to help you. i dont like that and i think i got it from him.

his house is too big to live for himself, even when my grandma still alive it was too big for two of them. he built that house for my family actually, because dad is their first and only son. but we have a life here, we can’t move there. i don’t know what will happen when my grandfather passed away, or after i got married. is my dad going to move there or not, i never ask.

i thought i wont feel this sad because i wasn’t close with my grandma, but family is family no matter how far your relationship is.

hi grandma, if you are there, if you read this, i want to let you know that i love you. i’m sorry for not being the granddaughter that you’d hope to be, but i’m trying my best to be better each day. please find my other grandma who went there first. i wish you would rest in peace.