hear me

just a little ‘are you okay?’ would mean so much to me, you know.

it’s hard to reach out to people when you have this kind of mindset that your words wont be heard and listened.

please, please hear me, please see me

stop saying and thinking that i’m a burden for telling you about my problem.

i’m suffering, i’m dying, can you please help me? anyone?

i know my God is here but please i need someone, a real one, that i can hug, to reach me. i need a warm hug.

God i know You up there but i need You down here

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grief and the souls that lack empathy

at december 18, 2017, a mother and father lose their son. a sister lose her brother. a band lose its member. group of friends lose their other half. a nation lose one of their best citizen. thousands, or even hundred thousands of fans lose their inspiration. and heaven, heaven gain an angel. God picked one of the best flowers He planted in this world.

i don’t know him personally, i cant call myself a fan but i enjoyed his music. his was one of the best. and losing him broke me more than i can imagine. my tears keep flowing when i read the news, when i saw my friends who were his fans reacted to this sad news. my heart is broken, along with them. i refused to wake up this morning because i couldnt bring myself to accept the reality. to know that he isn’t here anymore. to know that he already move from this world.

i cant imagine the pain that his family going through, his friends, colleagues, and his fans. everyone who interacted with him in daily basis. how hard it must be. i hope they wont blaming themself or each other. i hope they can accept that he is gone.

among this grief, there are people who belittle him. who laugh at us for mourning and crying. they said he didn’t deserve the mourn, grief and tears.

who are you to say that? are you my prophet? are you my God?

i believe my prophet taught me and his followers to pray for everyone, EVERY SINGLE SOUL in this world no matter how bad they are, no matter what their religion or race is. i dont think i have to ask for anyone’s permission for whom i sent my pray. its between me and my God. its exclusive. do you gain fast track to heaven for dictating me about my prayer? why cant we just grief together?

how hard it is to say “i’m sorry for your loss”? how hard it is to have an empathy? how can you be so proud of your religion if you didnt act like religious person?

and please stop blaming him for ending himself, he already did that and we cant weight him for another blame. him blaming himself was his punishment. i wish he made peace with himself and find happiness there.

hello, Kim Jong-hyun, if you were watching, i hope you know there are so many people who love you. I wish you gain the best place in paradise. i hope you are not in pain right now. i hope you are happy.

love,

me.

flower

a4b46b7a3289703fab7bdcab46355cb2--flower-aesthetic-quotes-aesthetic-quotes-happyThere are many wise words that I always hear and read everyday. This one, too, I often read it whenever I read book or scroll through social media. I never take it seriously, though, until recently.

I’m in early 20’s, in one of the hardest phase in life. Well, now I think this is the hardest, but I might look back in ten years and laugh at my 21 years old version (“No, honey, you are wrong. Now it’s the hardest part.”). Life is indeed tough, yet we got stronger each days because we could pass it, right?

Everyone has their own pace and time. So do I.

don’t envy the flower next to you which just bloomed, you have your own time. Cherry blossom didn’t bloom until spring because it would die if it forced itself to bloom at winter. So do you. We have our time to shine and we cannot force ourself to shine before its time because it might be killing us. So please hang in there and do your best, your time will surely come.

 

Mask

You ought to put mask on your face everyday. An adult has to.
You put different faces until you dont know which one is the original one.

But maybe to solve the problem, you can choose the most comfortable one that you can put on. Its going to be your original face, the mask you use when you meet people that you feel like home.
Its not the bare face, its still mask, a mask that so comfortable on you to the point where you thought the mask is yourself.
Yet, darling, you never be your own self until there is no one there.

 

I’m curious what kind of mask you put on when you reply to my message. When we meet, someday, if God so generous to let us meet under His blessing. I want to know which kind of face I have to choose when I meet you. I hope its the thinnest one, the most comfortable mask I love to wear and I wish yours too.

Is This What People Call As Pre-graduate Syndrome Or Whatever?

Hi, im going to write depressing things again.

So im at my father’s hometown now. I thought when i meet my grandpa, he’ll lecture me about not having boyfriend like he did everytime i visited him because most of my cousins around my age are getting their partner already. And im going to graduate this august so im preparing myself lol.

But it turned out to be the opposite. He asked me do i want to continue my study. Of course i want to. Then he told me to sign up for the next master degree entrance exam. Like, right away.

I just nodded my head while trying to process it. Wait, i thought about it but i dont want to take any major here because the major that I want is overseas. Beside i never had any intention to continue my study here. Sorry if i sound arrogant but i want to challenge myself even though im pretty pessimistic.

Then i googled my future major and now im frustated because theres no way i could fill the requirements. Im not very confident i could pass. I dont even know what kind of major im going to take if i cant get this one.

I dont have any plan to apply for scholarship right away, though. They want experienced person in the right field to give the scholarship for. Im not qualified for it, at least for now.

I dont know where to start, to be honest. I dont know what im going to be. Im so scared. Why did i want to grow up so bad when i was child and now i want to go back being little girl whose happiness can be fulfilled by happy meals package?

She Has Everything That You Have, Too

what’s wrong with the girl who chase her love first? Isn’t good that the girl knows what she wants and tries her best to achieve it? why is it always the guy who has to chase his love? why can’t girl do it? why girl has to wait and be patient when she has both of her arms and legs? have you forget that she has brain too?

“but, darling, you are a woman so you have to sit here and be pretty and wait for man to droll over your beauty and ask you to be his wife. oh wait, you have to act like you don’t like him. don’t accept his proposal as fast as you can. you have to play hard to get so he would treasure you more.”

those freaking stereotype can go burn hundred meters under the ground.

i’m a woman and i know what and who i want. if i see it, if i meet him, i would do anything to get it. to have it. you can call me disgusting or gross, i don’t care. as long as i can get what i want. why do i have to wait for universe to drop me some good things when i could find and fight for the best?

(nope, it’s not always about man, it’s about life, career, opportunity and everything in the world).

 

easy for you

it’s easy to fall in love
with you
with simple things around
it’s only take one conversation, one gaze, a warm smile, in one second

God makes it so easy for people to like things, to love someone
but why people love to spread hate
when it’s easier to fall in love instead?

I’m so sick of the world, there are so much hate currently. people kill themselves and another so easy as if they were flies. those who are so selfish who think their God would love them when actually they did something that He opposed. medias are full of negative things. what kind of the world I live now, I don’t know.

so many bad things happened here to the point where people getting praised for being nice, when actually that’s our root. isn’t ironic for being praised of something that we’re SUPPOSED to do? I’m not a prophet nor holy person but being kind to each other is our nature, human nature. why is it so hard to apply, when you can get double happiness, to the person you’re giving something to and to yourself who did a good deed?