the unrequited one

Friendship is so confusing. At least when you are in a relationship, u have to agree about the date when u decided to be officially together & when you’re done you can just break it up but friendship…no one knows when did it start; it’s just happening and sometimes you don’t know it’s ended already.

In friendship, you might call them friend but they didn’t think the same or the opposite. And when you think it’s tiring you want to break it up but it’s weird to say so to “friend” so you just took step back slowly until disappeared completely from their sight & you’ll be remembered as┬áthe arsehole who suddenly disappear and forget everything you’ve been thru together.

I don’t understand, I sometimes didn’t think I’m the “best”friend but somehow the label attached on me. I did not think what we have is worth to be called friendship. I feel like I’m the casual friend who knows too much. Because bestfriend for me is them whom I really can pour my heart and soul into, them whom I could show my most real emotion and the one I mentioned above, sadly, always leaving me with pathetic and sad feeling; a ‘i-dont-belong-here’ feeling, and I’m scared because I can’t talk to them about these feelings.

it’s not their fault, they’re nice people.

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don’t blame me

I wish there would be time when i could walk alone without being feared of getting harassed.

I’m scared of people. Quoting one of my friend, human is scarier than ghost. At least, ghost isn’t real (for some people) but human…their mind is abstract. So do their attitude and behavior. If you seen the news, there are some reports of inhuman acts than have been done by humans.

Since i was a child, a baby in my mother’s arms, i always scared of men. I refused to be hold by them, except my dad. When i was in kindergarten, some boys in my class were playing wrestling and i didn’t know how – i was right at the bottom of their fight and i was the one who got injured.

Growing up, i didn’t hate men. I just realized, whenever i walk alone on the street, be it on broad-light day or dark night, i always feel afraid every time i pass a group of men, or a man. I didn’t like how they see me, and usually followed by some nasty whistle and yells. I read a book that said “be grateful if you wear hijab because they would say salam to you instead of calling you pretty; means they are praying for your safety.” Am i the only one who find out it was the most ridiculous statement i’ve ever read? Why should i feel grateful for getting catcalled, no matter how “sweet” their words were? Why should i be happy that they pray i’m not getting harmed when actually i feel alarmed by their action? Why cant we teach them to respect woman by not calling them when they pass by? Why cant we push men to godhul bashar instead of blaming it on us? Is it my fault for being born as woman? Continue reading “don’t blame me”

contagious thinking

sadar nggak sih kalo selama ini segala hal negatif yang kamu pikirin pada akhirnya bakal balik lagi ke kamu?

(ya halo kali ini aku mau nulis pake bahasa sendiri karena sedang ingin saja)

aku sering banget kayak gitu. bilangnya sih, daripada kecewa mending mempersiapkan diri sendiri dengan kemungkinan terburuk. makanya anaknya jarang ngerasa dikasih harapan palsu karena emang udah mikir jeleknya. nggak juga sih kecewa mah tetep. cuma rasanya nggak bakal sesakit kalo mikir yang bagus-bagus.

sementara orang-orang selalu bilang aku positif, optimis banget. well, guys, that’s just my facade because i dont want anyone else to know what i really think inside. karena aku juga anaknya nggak suka sama orang yang negatif, jadi mending dibilang kepedean daripada keliatannya negatif.

tetapi aku baru sadar. aku sering banget mikir yang jelek dan pada akhirnya beneran terjadi. seperti misalnya, aku lamar ke sebuah perusahaan. sepanjang jalan aku optimis, tapi saat langkah pertama masuk ke dalam gedung, aku langsung berpikir ‘ah aku jadi nggak mau kerja di sini’. perasaanku semakin kuat setelah wawancara dan setelahnya pun aku terus-terusan berpikir kalau aku nggak bakal keterima. and guess what, i did not make it. Continue reading “contagious thinking”

monsecure?

have you ever look into the mirror and say “wow, i look so pretty today”?
everyone deserves to say that everyday in their life. nothing’s more powerful than confidence. you may have big body and not a very pretty face but you are allowed to feel confident of yourself. you have to.

because nowadays what’s killing us is the insecurity inside ourselves. it creep every night, every time, finding the best time to slip in into your mind. and then, boom. you feel like you are the worst, the ugliest, the most monstrous creature.

i cannot say im not insecure, i could say i am the most insecure person in the planet. i always refuse to hear compliment from other people, i feel like they mock me. i didnt feel good about myself. i sometimes look at the mirror and hate what i see. chubby cheeks, strong jaw, uneven eyes, wrinkles on my face. my thigh is so thick i hate it. i do sometimes wish to see myself by another people’s pov. how can they praise me when i dont feel confident about myself? Continue reading “monsecure?”

Double b doubleyou

hello! i know i’ve been saying i’m gonna write a happy post soon but i keep writing gloomy ones a lot so here it is!

i joined that event again this year. i thought i wont because i really want to be office worker but it seems God listened to me when i said i wont be an office worker since my application never went through (i know it will one day!). And God may have another plan for me because i could get into this event smoothly, unlike my friend who was being “kicked” from the shift she wanted and had to move shift.

to be honest, i was so scared because i’m not social person; i hate adapting and i’m afraid of strangers. so it was so challenging for me not having anyone i can talk to. some of my friends joined again but we were on different section and i barely met them. the first day went well, my team was nice and the work went well. it was better than what i expected. but the second day………..it was hell. i nearly cried and i missed my last year friends so much. i got scolded, got new members who were so lazy and when i tried to talk to them “”nicely”” (lol i know i cant talk nicely to people im upset with), they seemed scared of me and didn’t understand what i mean, so i had to do their work. i know i shouldnt but i was so so upset its better for me to work on anything than getting mad at them. it was my fault after all for being all nicey and not talking much to people i just know.

third day went okay and after that the preview day! it wasnt as busy and chaotic as last year, it turned out better than i thought. and i finally met my teammates! not really talking much to them since it was our first day working together but people were so friendly to me. i helped some people from different section too and they were nice! i wished my mood would stay that good until the end of event. Continue reading “Double b doubleyou”

a tiny spotter

out of all people, why do i have – and always – fall for someone who doesn’t look at me with the same eyes.

i don’t need people to tell me that there are some of them who like me, who love me, i just want someone i fall for feel the same for me. why is it so hard? and why do i always let myself down for thing like this.

when will i learn to not expecting anything from people i love Continue reading “a tiny spotter”

grief and the souls that lack empathy

at december 18, 2017, a mother and father lose their son. a sister lose her brother. a band lose its member. group of friends lose their other half. a nation lose one of their best citizen. thousands, or even hundred thousands of fans lose their inspiration. and heaven, heaven gain an angel. God picked one of the best flowers He planted in this world.

i don’t know him personally, i cant call myself a fan but i enjoyed his music. his was one of the best. and losing him broke me more than i can imagine. my tears keep flowing when i read the news, when i saw my friends who were his fans reacted to this sad news. my heart is broken, along with them. i refused to wake up this morning because i couldnt bring myself to accept the reality. to know that he isn’t here anymore. to know that he already move from this world.

i cant imagine the pain that his family going through, his friends, colleagues, and his fans. everyone who interacted with him in daily basis. how hard it must be. i hope they wont blaming themself or each other. i hope they can accept that he is gone. Continue reading “grief and the souls that lack empathy”

flower

a4b46b7a3289703fab7bdcab46355cb2--flower-aesthetic-quotes-aesthetic-quotes-happyThere are many wise words that I always hear and read everyday. This one, too, I often read it whenever I read book or scroll through social media. I never take it seriously, though, until recently.

I’m in early 20’s, in one of the hardest phase in life. Well, now I think this is the hardest, but I might look back in ten years and laugh at my 21 years old version (“No, honey, you are wrong. Now it’s the hardest part.”). Life is indeed tough, yet we got stronger each days because we could pass it, right?

Everyone has their own pace and time. So do I.

don’t envy the flower next to you which just bloomed, you have your own time. Cherry blossom didn’t bloom until spring because it would die if it forced itself to bloom at winter. So do you. We have our time to shine and we cannot force ourself to shine before its time because it might be killing us. So please hang in there and do your best, your time will surely come.

 

Mask

You ought to put mask on your face everyday. An adult has to.
You put different faces until you dont know which one is the original one.

But maybe to solve the problem, you can choose the most comfortable one that you can put on. Its going to be your original face, the mask you use when you meet people that you feel like home.
Its not the bare face, its still mask, a mask that so comfortable on you to the point where you thought the mask is yourself.
Yet, darling, you never be your own self until there is no one there.

 

I’m curious what kind of mask you put on when you reply to my message. When we meet, someday, if God so generous to let us meet under His blessing. I want to know which kind of face I have to choose when I meet you. I hope its the thinnest one, the most comfortable mask I love to wear and I wish yours too.

Is This What People Call As Pre-graduate Syndrome Or Whatever?

Hi, im going to write depressing things again.

So im at my father’s hometown now. I thought when i meet my grandpa, he’ll lecture me about not having boyfriend like he did everytime i visited him because most of my cousins around my age are getting their partner already. And im going to graduate this august so im preparing myself lol.

But it turned out to be the opposite. He asked me do i want to continue my study. Of course i want to. Then he told me to sign up for the next master degree entrance exam. Like, right away.

I just nodded my head while trying to process it. Wait, i thought about it but i dont want to take any major here because the major that I want is overseas. Beside i never had any intention to continue my study here. Sorry if i sound arrogant but i want to challenge myself even though im pretty pessimistic.

Then i googled my future major and now im frustated because theres no way i could fill the requirements. Im not very confident i could pass. I dont even know what kind of major im going to take if i cant get this one.

I dont have any plan to apply for scholarship right away, though. They want experienced person in the right field to give the scholarship for. Im not qualified for it, at least for now.

I dont know where to start, to be honest. I dont know what im going to be. Im so scared. Why did i want to grow up so bad when i was child and now i want to go back being little girl whose happiness can be fulfilled by happy meals package?