to the tiny spotter

hi, how’s life been treating you? is it alright on your side?

i know we never talk with each other for months since our last encounter. we dont have any plan to stay in contact neither but i just sad when i know you canceled the mutuals. im not obsessed with the number but im just sad because i thought we were friends even though we barely talk.

this sounds so annoying, but are you the one behind this? i mean, is this really your decision? was i annoyed you that much?

if it is, then i apologize for bothering you. sorry for finding your account and decided to follow you right away because i thought thats the right thing to do since we know each other and talked often. but if you think the other way, ok then.

i hope you always be happy, though. really, really happy, inside and out, not just another mask you put for a show.


im sure you still visit this site or that pretty and lovely girlfriend of yours, thats why i wrote this. and the reason why i posted this crappy post? because i cant talk to you of course and i know im going to make things more dramatic but guess what? im tired of keeping my mouth shut for this thing. just please make things clear from the start because we are both adults.


to my smoll eggplant head


I know it’s weird to write this here since I can deliver my mail to you on fancafe so you would read it but I don’t think it’s okay because you don’t like to be seen as a weak person, don’t you?

You are not. Believe me. You are one of the strongest person I’ve ever know, you always stand in what you believe, you always do your best for your and everyone’s sake. You take care of people so well, you scold and nag but you do it because you care and love them. You never hesitate to show your love toward us. You always give me strength with your choice of words and your smile and laughter. Your voice? Heal me whenever I’m in the edge of breaking down.

So now, when you feel down, you are free to cry, I won’t tell you to stop crying. I’ve been in your shoes before, it’s hurt to lose the one we love and it’s even harder when we couldn’t be there when they breathe their last and couldn’t send them to their resting place. Continue reading “to my smoll eggplant head”

don’t let things hurt you

You may think that you’re useless but don’t ever try to kill yourself because you might be the reason of someone’s smile today. No matter how bad you are, at least there’s one person who feel happy with your existence. Either your family, friends, crush, partner or even random stranger you met on the street.

It’s hard to think that way when you feel like you’re hitting the rock bottom of your life, but let’s try. Let’s try to learn to love ourselves in simplest way possible. Let’s try to make ourselves happy.

I’m sorry if I can’t be a good friend when you need my help. I know how hard it is, to feel suffocated of the world, even though you’re alone in your bedroom. Cannot breathe because of your toxic mind, but you can’t cry either to ease your burden.
I know how it feels when you feel like your head is going to burst and you think you have to contact someone, anyone, so you won’t go crazier than you are now. How hard it is to explain your condition to your family and friends, simply because you’re afraid that they won’t understand. Continue reading “don’t let things hurt you”

Advice for the Younger Me

Inspired by today’s question. It’s pretty useless and it’s look like I can’t let go my past and regretting them (which is half true) but for me this question is interesting. I need this question.

So looking back, I know what I’m gonna say.

Dear the younger me in junior high school…
Okay, the thing is, you now in junior high school with different people from various background and attitude so try to fit yourself in them. Don’t force it, because in the end you will find them who will be with you till the end. You might go into some stupid fight with some of the upperclassmen but you’ll getting closer with 3 of them in the end. Don’t make a stupid promise such as not going to know the boys because its okay to be friends with them! Some rules are mean to be disobeyed but please do not take it too far. You can be a good student while breaking some rules. Go swimming, writing, practicing your speaking skill in public. Please do it. Improve your language skill because it won’t be a waste. Go out of your room, your comfort zone. Talk and listen to your juniors, smile to them, don’t let them said that you have a scary face. Appreciate your friends. Write a lot. Like, a lot. Your diaries will be your treasure, your oasis, when you miss this time.
Then when you fall in love, you will fall hard. It’s not love at first, but you will be with him anyway. Do not do anything stupid, keep your mind in the right track. Don’t be spoiled one. Remember you ain’t live in fairy tale like you always dream. Don’t force yourself to write it as your fairy tale. A relationship isn’t something like that, it’s beyond that. In the end, you will never regret to fall in love with him. Continue reading “Advice for the Younger Me”

A Letter for the Future

Dear my children..

Honestly, this is pretty cringey. Forgive me, I don’t even know when will I meet you, or can I have you.

First, thank you for being born. I might not be what you want to claim about best mom, but I’m trying my best for you. We cannot be the richest or happiest family, but we can be comfortable with each other. I want you to feel like home when you are home, not just a place where you have to go back after school.

How old are you guys now? Fifteen? Seventeen? Or nearly my age when I type this letter?

I apologize if I’m being protective, while my own parents, or your grandparents, were never being protective over me and your uncle. I’m a wrench inside, I’m scarred of losing people that I love. It makes sense that I always try to push people around me. I do not want to be attached. I did feel hurt, once, and I never want to feel it again. It was annoying and depressing. I was like a hindrance for everyone around me that time; my family, my classmates, my middle school friends. Pretty embarrassing to remember that but it taught me a lot of things. Continue reading “A Letter for the Future”