burden

hi, i’m supposed to do my translation job but here i am.

i have so many thoughts i have to let out here, that’s why.

i feel so overwhelmed recently. i got scolded, i got praised. also, people’s expectations….are starting to tiring me out.

i’m so happy when i got praised but at the same time, i feel so guilty and undeserved. and the burden. i cant disappoint them. i cant make mistake next time. i have to prove that im going to be better.

i want to cry at the number of responsibilities that lay in front of me. but at the same time, i feel proud of myself and so touched with their trust.

tbh i nearly breakdown at the office that day when my supervisors told me what is my task in the next two months. its going to be very hard and i dont think i can do it. i know im going to screw everything up. also they might tell me i disappoint them.

this is a very negative post, i’m sorry. i’m just so so so tired and i dont want to tell anybody about this. i whined and went to rant to my bffs but i dont want to disturb them any further.

i hope im strong enough to pass this and i hope i could fill their expectations.

i will work harder.

also, i want to cry. i really want to cry.

 

sometimes i wish i could see myself in another person’s eyes. i hope i can see myself in them when they praised me, so i could see if i really deserve the praise or if they were just saying it to cheer me up. when people said that the true enemy is yourself, it’s true. loving and accepting yourself is so hard. i thought i finally know how to love myself but i realized i hate myself more than anyone.

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hello, it’s been a long time!!!

I’m not doing well, I’m busier than usual, like waaaay busier. I also think I got stressed and I feel like a week went so slow this time (today is THURSDAY? can we just have Saturday for the whole year).

Also, I feel so burdened by people’s expectations of me. every time someone praises or compliments me, I always feel so guilty because I know I am not that good. I’m not what they think I am. But i’m also excited to prove them that I’m THAT great and to those who belittle me i want to make them believe I’m not that bad. and I’m happy because I’m learning a lot here.

i miss my friends so much i couldnt talk with people i usually talk with and im sad but surprisingly my social skill becomes better at pressuring time. i dont know if people read and wonder how im doing these days here but i want to tell anyone who might stumble here.

everything always happen for a reason and please stand up every time you fall down ❤

“it’s cruel that i have to wish for your happiness that doesn’t include me”

me 8 years ago would probably hold to this words tightly. when i thought i should have been the one who is happy. i didn’t care how much it would hurt my counterpart, as long as i am happy.

but me, now, i don’t care about my own feeling. as long as that person happy, as long as you happy. i’m happy, too.

(i wish you were really, and genuinely, happy. if you were not, i’m going to be upset because you do know you can’t fool yourself. i don’t want to lie to myself, i do have the feeling, but i really want you to be happy on top of that.)

I really, really envy you who have someone that fight for you. For the relationship you guys have. Me? He refused to fight. We could saved it but he didn’t want to. It was only me, alone, trying to keep the ship from drowning. But what can I do when the one who supposedly help me, in order to keep the ship sail, jumped to another big ship as soon as it passed, without even throwing a glance at me?

And it took me years, seven years, to realize that the magic is gone, the feelings are lost somewhere. It might took him that long, too.

The person who made me realized that I was in love with the shadows and crappy memories isn’t even here. I haven’t thank him yet. No, we are not together like those fairy tales told you. I don’t know if he still remember me. We met again last month, worked under the same event (again), passed each other in the alley almost every morning because he took morning to evening shift and i was in night shift. We had several eye contacts, but we never greeted each other. I wasn’t the type of person who will greet people that i know first, except if i were that close to them, and i doubted he remembered me. My friend said he did. But he played along with me. I just shrugged at that suggestion, even though i did wish he remembered me. Continue reading

Double b doubleyou

hello! i know i’ve been saying i’m gonna write a happy post soon but i keep writing gloomy ones a lot so here it is!

i joined that event again this year. i thought i wont because i really want to be office worker but it seems God listened to me when i said i wont be an office worker since my application never went through (i know it will one day!). And God may have another plan for me because i could get into this event smoothly, unlike my friend who was being “kicked” from the shift she wanted and had to move shift.

to be honest, i was so scared because i’m not social person; i hate adapting and i’m afraid of strangers. so it was so challenging for me not having anyone i can talk to. some of my friends joined again but we were on different section and i barely met them. the first day went well, my team was nice and the work went well. it was better than what i expected. but the second day………..it was hell. i nearly cried and i missed my last year friends so much. i got scolded, got new members who were so lazy and when i tried to talk to them “”nicely”” (lol i know i cant talk nicely to people im upset with), they seemed scared of me and didn’t understand what i mean, so i had to do their work. i know i shouldnt but i was so so upset its better for me to work on anything than getting mad at them. it was my fault after all for being all nicey and not talking much to people i just know.

third day went okay and after that the preview day! it wasnt as busy and chaotic as last year, it turned out better than i thought. and i finally met my teammates! not really talking much to them since it was our first day working together but people were so friendly to me. i helped some people from different section too and they were nice! i wished my mood would stay that good until the end of event. Continue reading “Double b doubleyou”

Excuse

Im afraid of people but im more afraid of my mind. Sometimes, it crosses over black zone and i thank my fear for stopping me going there. I like being alone in my room but there is time when i hate it because my head is so noisy and i become depressed. I like walking around alone and you might thinking that im possesed or something but its just me, listening too deep to my own voices in my head.

Im writing this not to invite you to pitying me, i have to write this or im going to be frustrated. Words are my savior, i confessed a lot of things to them than to my parents or family or friends that i meet everyday. I love stumbling around my friends’ blogs or random people’s because they show their other personality through their writing. You see, people become more honest when they pour their words into sentences, into something that other people can read. So do i. I find my self talk a lot easier through writing.

If you are my friend in real life, maybe you’ll feel im not really talking much. If you are my best friend, you do know im talking too much. But theres time when i prefer to be listener and i think it takes most of the time. I tend to build wall around myself, a high and thick one, which no one ever break in. they cant. Even my parents. My brother. My best friends. My now ex boyfriends. Every one has their territory, so i never force anyone to tell me everything unless they want to. I know how it feels.

I feel like im writing this to excuse myself.

There’s time when i wish i could tell people freely about what i feel right now. But looking at their faces, wondering what kind of problems that they have to bear now, stopping me from doing so.

Listening to their rants, seeing them cry, reading their complaints and gloomy sentences on their social media made me realize that im not alone.

Im not the only one who have such a problem so i should stop locking myself in the house. I should stop pitying myself.

But this fear,

What are you afraid of, self?

I dont know.

I want to curl myself and cry, loudly, until my tears dry and I lost my breath. I want to tell people about my fear.

Im so afraid of many things until i lost count on what is exactly thing that im afraid of.

I miss someone that i havent seen in months who doesnt even have any idea that i really want to meet him. I promise myself to be honest and straightforward so i wont torture my ownself yet fear always blocking me from doing things.

hi, i want to tell you i miss you but im afraid that you might laugh at me. I dont want you to not taking my words seriously. I mean every word I said to you.

I shouldve stop blaming everything including myself and just do things i want to do so i could achieve the happiness i’ve always dream of.

Is This What People Call As Pre-graduate Syndrome Or Whatever?

Hi, im going to write depressing things again.

So im at my father’s hometown now. I thought when i meet my grandpa, he’ll lecture me about not having boyfriend like he did everytime i visited him because most of my cousins around my age are getting their partner already. And im going to graduate this august so im preparing myself lol.

But it turned out to be the opposite. He asked me do i want to continue my study. Of course i want to. Then he told me to sign up for the next master degree entrance exam. Like, right away.

I just nodded my head while trying to process it. Wait, i thought about it but i dont want to take any major here because the major that I want is overseas. Beside i never had any intention to continue my study here. Sorry if i sound arrogant but i want to challenge myself even though im pretty pessimistic.

Then i googled my future major and now im frustated because theres no way i could fill the requirements. Im not very confident i could pass. I dont even know what kind of major im going to take if i cant get this one.

I dont have any plan to apply for scholarship right away, though. They want experienced person in the right field to give the scholarship for. Im not qualified for it, at least for now.

I dont know where to start, to be honest. I dont know what im going to be. Im so scared. Why did i want to grow up so bad when i was child and now i want to go back being little girl whose happiness can be fulfilled by happy meals package?

easy for you

it’s easy to fall in love
with you
with simple things around
it’s only take one conversation, one gaze, a warm smile, in one second

God makes it so easy for people to like things, to love someone
but why people love to spread hate
when it’s easier to fall in love instead?

I’m so sick of the world, there are so much hate currently. people kill themselves and another so easy as if they were flies. those who are so selfish who think their God would love them when actually they did something that He opposed. medias are full of negative things. what kind of the world I live now, I don’t know.

so many bad things happened here to the point where people getting praised for being nice, when actually that’s our root. isn’t ironic for being praised of something that we’re SUPPOSED to do? I’m not a prophet nor holy person but being kind to each other is our nature, human nature. why is it so hard to apply, when you can get double happiness, to the person you’re giving something to and to yourself who did a good deed?

honesty

I thought I know myself very well, but when my friends pointed out to me where did I do wrong, I couldn’t defend myself.

You know, you have to be honest with yourself.”

I’m always honest, am I?

No, you’re not okay. You are saying that you’re okay when actually you’re not. You said that you don’t feel anything when actually you did. If you were normal person, you have to snap at this person for disrespecting you. Just admit that your feeling is different this time.

 

 

(yes sorry, sorry for posting depressing things again. I’ll be back spreading glitter and rainbow, I promise!)