“it’s cruel that i have to wish for your happiness that doesn’t include me”

me 8 years ago would probably hold to this words tightly. when i thought i should have been the one who is happy. i didn’t care how much it would hurt my counterpart, as long as i am happy.

but me, now, i don’t care about my own feeling. as long as that person happy, as long as you happy. i’m happy, too.

(i wish you were really, and genuinely, happy. if you were not, i’m going to be upset because you do know you can’t fool yourself. i don’t want to lie to myself, i do have the feeling, but i really want you to be happy on top of that.)

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I really, really envy you who have someone that fight for you. For the relationship you guys have. Me? He refused to fight. We could saved it but he didn’t want to. It was only me, alone, trying to keep the ship from drowning. But what can I do when the one who supposedly help me, in order to keep the ship sail, jumped to another big ship as soon as it passed, without even throwing a glance at me?

And it took me years, seven years, to realize that the magic is gone, the feelings are lost somewhere. It might took him that long, too.

The person who made me realized that I was in love with the shadows and crappy memories isn’t even here. I haven’t thank him yet. No, we are not together like those fairy tales told you. I don’t know if he still remember me. We met again last month, worked under the same event (again), passed each other in the alley almost every morning because he took morning to evening shift and i was in night shift. We had several eye contacts, but we never greeted each other. I wasn’t the type of person who will greet people that i know first, except if i were that close to them, and i doubted he remembered me. My friend said he did. But he played along with me. I just shrugged at that suggestion, even though i did wish he remembered me. Continue reading

Double b doubleyou

hello! i know i’ve been saying i’m gonna write a happy post soon but i keep writing gloomy ones a lot so here it is!

i joined that event again this year. i thought i wont because i really want to be office worker but it seems God listened to me when i said i wont be an office worker since my application never went through (i know it will one day!). And God may have another plan for me because i could get into this event smoothly, unlike my friend who was being “kicked” from the shift she wanted and had to move shift.

to be honest, i was so scared because i’m not social person; i hate adapting and i’m afraid of strangers. so it was so challenging for me not having anyone i can talk to. some of my friends joined again but we were on different section and i barely met them. the first day went well, my team was nice and the work went well. it was better than what i expected. but the second day………..it was hell. i nearly cried and i missed my last year friends so much. i got scolded, got new members who were so lazy and when i tried to talk to them “”nicely”” (lol i know i cant talk nicely to people im upset with), they seemed scared of me and didn’t understand what i mean, so i had to do their work. i know i shouldnt but i was so so upset its better for me to work on anything than getting mad at them. it was my fault after all for being all nicey and not talking much to people i just know.

third day went okay and after that the preview day! it wasnt as busy and chaotic as last year, it turned out better than i thought. and i finally met my teammates! not really talking much to them since it was our first day working together but people were so friendly to me. i helped some people from different section too and they were nice! i wished my mood would stay that good until the end of event. Continue reading “Double b doubleyou”

Excuse

Im afraid of people but im more afraid of my mind. Sometimes, it crosses over black zone and i thank my fear for stopping me going there. I like being alone in my room but there is time when i hate it because my head is so noisy and i become depressed. I like walking around alone and you might thinking that im possesed or something but its just me, listening too deep to my own voices in my head.

Im writing this not to invite you to pitying me, i have to write this or im going to be frustrated. Words are my savior, i confessed a lot of things to them than to my parents or family or friends that i meet everyday. I love stumbling around my friends’ blogs or random people’s because they show their other personality through their writing. You see, people become more honest when they pour their words into sentences, into something that other people can read. So do i. I find my self talk a lot easier through writing.

If you are my friend in real life, maybe you’ll feel im not really talking much. If you are my best friend, you do know im talking too much. But theres time when i prefer to be listener and i think it takes most of the time. I tend to build wall around myself, a high and thick one, which no one ever break in. they cant. Even my parents. My brother. My best friends. My now ex boyfriends. Every one has their territory, so i never force anyone to tell me everything unless they want to. I know how it feels.

I feel like im writing this to excuse myself.

There’s time when i wish i could tell people freely about what i feel right now. But looking at their faces, wondering what kind of problems that they have to bear now, stopping me from doing so.

Listening to their rants, seeing them cry, reading their complaints and gloomy sentences on their social media made me realize that im not alone.

Im not the only one who have such a problem so i should stop locking myself in the house. I should stop pitying myself.

But this fear,

What are you afraid of, self?

I dont know.

I want to curl myself and cry, loudly, until my tears dry and I lost my breath. I want to tell people about my fear.

Im so afraid of many things until i lost count on what is exactly thing that im afraid of.

I miss someone that i havent seen in months who doesnt even have any idea that i really want to meet him. I promise myself to be honest and straightforward so i wont torture my ownself yet fear always blocking me from doing things.

hi, i want to tell you i miss you but im afraid that you might laugh at me. I dont want you to not taking my words seriously. I mean every word I said to you.

I shouldve stop blaming everything including myself and just do things i want to do so i could achieve the happiness i’ve always dream of.

Is This What People Call As Pre-graduate Syndrome Or Whatever?

Hi, im going to write depressing things again.

So im at my father’s hometown now. I thought when i meet my grandpa, he’ll lecture me about not having boyfriend like he did everytime i visited him because most of my cousins around my age are getting their partner already. And im going to graduate this august so im preparing myself lol.

But it turned out to be the opposite. He asked me do i want to continue my study. Of course i want to. Then he told me to sign up for the next master degree entrance exam. Like, right away.

I just nodded my head while trying to process it. Wait, i thought about it but i dont want to take any major here because the major that I want is overseas. Beside i never had any intention to continue my study here. Sorry if i sound arrogant but i want to challenge myself even though im pretty pessimistic.

Then i googled my future major and now im frustated because theres no way i could fill the requirements. Im not very confident i could pass. I dont even know what kind of major im going to take if i cant get this one.

I dont have any plan to apply for scholarship right away, though. They want experienced person in the right field to give the scholarship for. Im not qualified for it, at least for now.

I dont know where to start, to be honest. I dont know what im going to be. Im so scared. Why did i want to grow up so bad when i was child and now i want to go back being little girl whose happiness can be fulfilled by happy meals package?

easy for you

it’s easy to fall in love
with you
with simple things around
it’s only take one conversation, one gaze, a warm smile, in one second

God makes it so easy for people to like things, to love someone
but why people love to spread hate
when it’s easier to fall in love instead?

I’m so sick of the world, there are so much hate currently. people kill themselves and another so easy as if they were flies. those who are so selfish who think their God would love them when actually they did something that He opposed. medias are full of negative things. what kind of the world I live now, I don’t know.

so many bad things happened here to the point where people getting praised for being nice, when actually that’s our root. isn’t ironic for being praised of something that we’re SUPPOSED to do? I’m not a prophet nor holy person but being kind to each other is our nature, human nature. why is it so hard to apply, when you can get double happiness, to the person you’re giving something to and to yourself who did a good deed?

honesty

I thought I know myself very well, but when my friends pointed out to me where did I do wrong, I couldn’t defend myself.

You know, you have to be honest with yourself.”

I’m always honest, am I?

No, you’re not okay. You are saying that you’re okay when actually you’re not. You said that you don’t feel anything when actually you did. If you were normal person, you have to snap at this person for disrespecting you. Just admit that your feeling is different this time.

 

 

(yes sorry, sorry for posting depressing things again. I’ll be back spreading glitter and rainbow, I promise!)

bee-bee doubleyou

hello! I haven’t post something that tell people about my days so here it is.
not exactly my day, but I just want to share this.

So, I joined an event outside the campus. This was the second time, well not the same event, I mean, joining an external event-slash-part timing (or volunteering, up to you). The first time was on October, it was a K-event and most of my friends were working there so naturally I joined them. This time, no. And the event was bigger than the previous one so to be honest I was so scared and nervous when I signed up. I didn’t have any experience too, but I really want to join this one since a year ago (I’m not lying, I really do!).

Well, so I saw the recruitment announcement on Line and decided to sign up. I thought I’m going to do this alone, but two of my friends said that they wanted to do it too, so we sent our applications together. We came to the interview (or briefing to be exact) and chose the same section (lol but I wasn’t interested on another section so there it went my choice). To cut it short, three of us made it, but one of my friend decided to cancel it because some issues so it was just two of us.

Guess what it was kinda annoying at first. I’m not the type of person who frequently appear on group chat (yes, I’m that annoying and ignorant person who only read the chat and never respond) and before the event began, there were some chaos occurred. It’s kinda predictable, to be honest. That’s what you get when you meet (well, not directly meet but you may get my point) bunch of people who shared different type of jokes and work ethic with you.

About the event. Well, it wasn’t perfect. There were a lot of complains, some unexpected things. But it got praised, too, so it wasn’t that bad. Continue reading “bee-bee doubleyou”

Where did the courage go?

It’s funny and ironic to think that the older you are, you will be braver. Well, it doesn’t apply to me, though. I’m not really afraid anymore of dark or ghost or anything that I used to be scared of when I was a kid. Yet the things that make me afraid right now are scarier than monsters or vampires.

As time goes by, I get more afraid to do things I wanna do. I told myself “If doing this make you happy, then go.”
But I guess I’m more scared of what society gonna respond than how I obtain my happiness.

Few years ago, I didn’t really mind what others think, I did what I wanted, I knew I was stupid but I wish I was still like me in the past. Whenever my friends talk to me about their feeling, that they’re afraid of what people think, I always said “why are they matter so much to you when it’s your life you’re talking about? It’s not like they’re your parents or God, you don’t have to do exactly that they want you to do.” But it’s always easier to say than done.
I don’t want to expect people around me to boost my confidence or to make this feeling disappear.

I know I am toxic for my own self but I’m going to let it poisons me alone than spread it to those around me.

“Fear is something that you create by your own.”

(Sorry, I promise myself that I wont write any depressing things in here anymore but I have to let this one out)