the unrequited one

Friendship is so confusing. At least when you are in a relationship, u have to agree about the date when u decided to be officially together & when you’re done you can just break it up but friendship…no one knows when did it start; it’s just happening and sometimes you don’t know it’s ended already.

In friendship, you might call them friend but they didn’t think the same or the opposite. And when you think it’s tiring you want to break it up but it’s weird to say so to “friend” so you just took step back slowly until disappeared completely from their sight & you’ll be remembered as┬áthe arsehole who suddenly disappear and forget everything you’ve been thru together.

I don’t understand, I sometimes didn’t think I’m the “best”friend but somehow the label attached on me. I did not think what we have is worth to be called friendship. I feel like I’m the casual friend who knows too much. Because bestfriend for me is them whom I really can pour my heart and soul into, them whom I could show my most real emotion and the one I mentioned above, sadly, always leaving me with pathetic and sad feeling; a ‘i-dont-belong-here’ feeling, and I’m scared because I can’t talk to them about these feelings.

it’s not their fault, they’re nice people.

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to my smoll eggplant head

Hi,

I know it’s weird to write this here since I can deliver my mail to you on fancafe so you would read it but I don’t think it’s okay because you don’t like to be seen as a weak person, don’t you?

You are not. Believe me. You are one of the strongest person I’ve ever know, you always stand in what you believe, you always do your best for your and everyone’s sake. You take care of people so well, you scold and nag but you do it because you care and love them. You never hesitate to show your love toward us. You always give me strength with your choice of words and your smile and laughter. Your voice? Heal me whenever I’m in the edge of breaking down.

So now, when you feel down, you are free to cry, I won’t tell you to stop crying. I’ve been in your shoes before, it’s hurt to lose the one we love and it’s even harder when we couldn’t be there when they breathe their last and couldn’t send them to their resting place. Continue reading “to my smoll eggplant head”

2017 Highlight and Lessons

I found this in my draft and forgot to post it until now; I know we’re in the beginning of second quarter of 2018 already, but I want to post this to remind myself too.

So umm for me 2017 was an up and down year. I’ve graduated, I worked part time at an event, I did my first interpreter job (horribly), i fell in love, I let go person i should’ve not holding on for so long, i met new people, i rediscovering band that i like, i cried for someone who died because of depression. I want to recap things from month to month so let’s see if i remember anything.

Jan: i…don’t remember anything beside i was so worried about my journal but i didn’t do anything until next month. Oh i think i met my boss and he gave me lecture about work environment. And i got new kitties, 2 kitties. Crying over Goblin’s last episode while choosing the class for my last semester. I got my fav classes how lucky.

Feb: my friend’s graduation. I finally working on my journal and found the topic i want to talk about (sexual harassment at workplace) Continue reading “2017 Highlight and Lessons”

Pray

Have you ever ask yourself why are you praying?

I do my prayer five times a day, not a thing that one should be proud of, I know. There were days when I skip pray because I was on travel or I fell asleep and woke up late. Or simply because I didn’t want to do it. I know it’s bad, but faith has its condition. Sometimes it’s roaring up high but sometimes it goes down to the endless black pit.

When I was in Korea for a summer program, I had a Korean-American friend as my deskmate. He asked me why do I pray. To be honest, I couldn’t answer him. I said so my soul would be in peace. He asked me again, really? He saw the doubt in my eyes. And then he started talking about his own religion but I didn’t listen to him because I was thinking about his first question. Why do I pray? Is it because I need to, or because my mom would be mad if I didn’t, or because I’m afraid of the afterlife? Continue reading “Pray”

don’t blame me

I wish there would be time when i could walk alone without being feared of getting harassed.

I’m scared of people. Quoting one of my friend, human is scarier than ghost. At least, ghost isn’t real (for some people) but human…their mind is abstract. So do their attitude and behavior. If you seen the news, there are some reports of inhuman acts than have been done by humans.

Since i was a child, a baby in my mother’s arms, i always scared of men. I refused to be hold by them, except my dad. When i was in kindergarten, some boys in my class were playing wrestling and i didn’t know how – i was right at the bottom of their fight and i was the one who got injured.

Growing up, i didn’t hate men. I just realized, whenever i walk alone on the street, be it on broad-light day or dark night, i always feel afraid every time i pass a group of men, or a man. I didn’t like how they see me, and usually followed by some nasty whistle and yells. I read a book that said “be grateful if you wear hijab because they would say salam to you instead of calling you pretty; means they are praying for your safety.” Am i the only one who find out it was the most ridiculous statement i’ve ever read? Why should i feel grateful for getting catcalled, no matter how “sweet” their words were? Why should i be happy that they pray i’m not getting harmed when actually i feel alarmed by their action? Why cant we teach them to respect woman by not calling them when they pass by? Why cant we push men to godhul bashar instead of blaming it on us? Is it my fault for being born as woman? Continue reading “don’t blame me”

contagious thinking

sadar nggak sih kalo selama ini segala hal negatif yang kamu pikirin pada akhirnya bakal balik lagi ke kamu?

(ya halo kali ini aku mau nulis pake bahasa sendiri karena sedang ingin saja)

aku sering banget kayak gitu. bilangnya sih, daripada kecewa mending mempersiapkan diri sendiri dengan kemungkinan terburuk. makanya anaknya jarang ngerasa dikasih harapan palsu karena emang udah mikir jeleknya. nggak juga sih kecewa mah tetep. cuma rasanya nggak bakal sesakit kalo mikir yang bagus-bagus.

sementara orang-orang selalu bilang aku positif, optimis banget. well, guys, that’s just my facade because i dont want anyone else to know what i really think inside. karena aku juga anaknya nggak suka sama orang yang negatif, jadi mending dibilang kepedean daripada keliatannya negatif.

tetapi aku baru sadar. aku sering banget mikir yang jelek dan pada akhirnya beneran terjadi. seperti misalnya, aku lamar ke sebuah perusahaan. sepanjang jalan aku optimis, tapi saat langkah pertama masuk ke dalam gedung, aku langsung berpikir ‘ah aku jadi nggak mau kerja di sini’. perasaanku semakin kuat setelah wawancara dan setelahnya pun aku terus-terusan berpikir kalau aku nggak bakal keterima. and guess what, i did not make it. Continue reading “contagious thinking”

“it’s cruel that i have to wish for your happiness that doesn’t include me”

me 8 years ago would probably hold to this words tightly. when i thought i should have been the one who is happy. i didn’t care how much it would hurt my counterpart, as long as i am happy.

but me, now, i don’t care about my own feeling. as long as that person happy, as long as you happy. i’m happy, too.

(i wish you were really, and genuinely, happy. if you were not, i’m going to be upset because you do know you can’t fool yourself. i don’t want to lie to myself, i do have the feeling, but i really want you to be happy on top of that.)

monsecure?

have you ever look into the mirror and say “wow, i look so pretty today”?
everyone deserves to say that everyday in their life. nothing’s more powerful than confidence. you may have big body and not a very pretty face but you are allowed to feel confident of yourself. you have to.

because nowadays what’s killing us is the insecurity inside ourselves. it creep every night, every time, finding the best time to slip in into your mind. and then, boom. you feel like you are the worst, the ugliest, the most monstrous creature.

i cannot say im not insecure, i could say i am the most insecure person in the planet. i always refuse to hear compliment from other people, i feel like they mock me. i didnt feel good about myself. i sometimes look at the mirror and hate what i see. chubby cheeks, strong jaw, uneven eyes, wrinkles on my face. my thigh is so thick i hate it. i do sometimes wish to see myself by another people’s pov. how can they praise me when i dont feel confident about myself? Continue reading “monsecure?”

I really, really envy you who have someone that fight for you. For the relationship you guys have. Me? He refused to fight. We could saved it but he didn’t want to. It was only me, alone, trying to keep the ship from drowning. But what can I do when the one who supposedly help me, in order to keep the ship sail, jumped to another big ship as soon as it passed, without even throwing a glance at me?

And it took me years, seven years, to realize that the magic is gone, the feelings are lost somewhere. It might took him that long, too.

The person who made me realized that I was in love with the shadows and crappy memories isn’t even here. I haven’t thank him yet. No, we are not together like those fairy tales told you. I don’t know if he still remember me. We met again last month, worked under the same event (again), passed each other in the alley almost every morning because he took morning to evening shift and i was in night shift. We had several eye contacts, but we never greeted each other. I wasn’t the type of person who will greet people that i know first, except if i were that close to them, and i doubted he remembered me. My friend said he did. But he played along with me. I just shrugged at that suggestion, even though i did wish he remembered me. Continue reading

Double b doubleyou

hello! i know i’ve been saying i’m gonna write a happy post soon but i keep writing gloomy ones a lot so here it is!

i joined that event again this year. i thought i wont because i really want to be office worker but it seems God listened to me when i said i wont be an office worker since my application never went through (i know it will one day!). And God may have another plan for me because i could get into this event smoothly, unlike my friend who was being “kicked” from the shift she wanted and had to move shift.

to be honest, i was so scared because i’m not social person; i hate adapting and i’m afraid of strangers. so it was so challenging for me not having anyone i can talk to. some of my friends joined again but we were on different section and i barely met them. the first day went well, my team was nice and the work went well. it was better than what i expected. but the second day………..it was hell. i nearly cried and i missed my last year friends so much. i got scolded, got new members who were so lazy and when i tried to talk to them “”nicely”” (lol i know i cant talk nicely to people im upset with), they seemed scared of me and didn’t understand what i mean, so i had to do their work. i know i shouldnt but i was so so upset its better for me to work on anything than getting mad at them. it was my fault after all for being all nicey and not talking much to people i just know.

third day went okay and after that the preview day! it wasnt as busy and chaotic as last year, it turned out better than i thought. and i finally met my teammates! not really talking much to them since it was our first day working together but people were so friendly to me. i helped some people from different section too and they were nice! i wished my mood would stay that good until the end of event. Continue reading “Double b doubleyou”