hear me

just a little ‘are you okay?’ would mean so much to me, you know.

it’s hard to reach out to people when you have this kind of mindset that your words wont be heard and listened.

please, please hear me, please see me

stop saying and thinking that i’m a burden for telling you about my problem.

i’m suffering, i’m dying, can you please help me? anyone?

i know my God is here but please i need someone, a real one, that i can hug, to reach me. i need a warm hug.

God i know You up there but i need You down here

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grief and the souls that lack empathy

at december 18, 2017, a mother and father lose their son. a sister lose her brother. a band lose its member. group of friends lose their other half. a nation lose one of their best citizen. thousands, or even hundred thousands of fans lose their inspiration. and heaven, heaven gain an angel. God picked one of the best flowers He planted in this world.

i don’t know him personally, i cant call myself a fan but i enjoyed his music. his was one of the best. and losing him broke me more than i can imagine. my tears keep flowing when i read the news, when i saw my friends who were his fans reacted to this sad news. my heart is broken, along with them. i refused to wake up this morning because i couldnt bring myself to accept the reality. to know that he isn’t here anymore. to know that he already move from this world.

i cant imagine the pain that his family going through, his friends, colleagues, and his fans. everyone who interacted with him in daily basis. how hard it must be. i hope they wont blaming themself or each other. i hope they can accept that he is gone.

among this grief, there are people who belittle him. who laugh at us for mourning and crying. they said he didn’t deserve the mourn, grief and tears.

who are you to say that? are you my prophet? are you my God?

i believe my prophet taught me and his followers to pray for everyone, EVERY SINGLE SOUL in this world no matter how bad they are, no matter what their religion or race is. i dont think i have to ask for anyone’s permission for whom i sent my pray. its between me and my God. its exclusive. do you gain fast track to heaven for dictating me about my prayer? why cant we just grief together?

how hard it is to say “i’m sorry for your loss”? how hard it is to have an empathy? how can you be so proud of your religion if you didnt act like religious person?

and please stop blaming him for ending himself, he already did that and we cant weight him for another blame. him blaming himself was his punishment. i wish he made peace with himself and find happiness there.

hello, Kim Jong-hyun, if you were watching, i hope you know there are so many people who love you. I wish you gain the best place in paradise. i hope you are not in pain right now. i hope you are happy.

love,

me.

‘I admired you too much. Now I can see it clearly. When we fall in love we turn the other person into our god – how dangerous is that? And when he doesn’t love us back, we respond with anger, resentment, hatred … There’s something about love that resembles faith. It’s a kind of blind trust, isn’t? The sweetest euphoria. The magic of connecting with a being beyond our limited, familiar selves. But if we get carried away by love – or by faith – it turns into a dogma, a fixation. The sweetness becomes sour. We suffer in the hands of the gods that we ourselves created.’

‘I must be one of the last persons on earth to be considered a god,’

‘It wasn’t you. It was the Azur I had created for myself. The one I needed in order to make sense of my own fragmented past. That’s the professor I was infatuated with. The Azur in my mind.’

-Elif Shafak, Three Daughters of Elves, p. 395

 

flower

a4b46b7a3289703fab7bdcab46355cb2--flower-aesthetic-quotes-aesthetic-quotes-happyThere are many wise words that I always hear and read everyday. This one, too, I often read it whenever I read book or scroll through social media. I never take it seriously, though, until recently.

I’m in early 20’s, in one of the hardest phase in life. Well, now I think this is the hardest, but I might look back in ten years and laugh at my 21 years old version (“No, honey, you are wrong. Now it’s the hardest part.”). Life is indeed tough, yet we got stronger each days because we could pass it, right?

Everyone has their own pace and time. So do I.

don’t envy the flower next to you which just bloomed, you have your own time. Cherry blossom didn’t bloom until spring because it would die if it forced itself to bloom at winter. So do you. We have our time to shine and we cannot force ourself to shine before its time because it might be killing us. So please hang in there and do your best, your time will surely come.

 

Excuse

Im afraid of people but im more afraid of my mind. Sometimes, it crosses over black zone and i thank my fear for stopping me going there. I like being alone in my room but there is time when i hate it because my head is so noisy and i become depressed. I like walking around alone and you might thinking that im possesed or something but its just me, listening too deep to my own voices in my head.

Im writing this not to invite you to pitying me, i have to write this or im going to be frustrated. Words are my savior, i confessed a lot of things to them than to my parents or family or friends that i meet everyday. I love stumbling around my friends’ blogs or random people’s because they show their other personality through their writing. You see, people become more honest when they pour their words into sentences, into something that other people can read. So do i. I find my self talk a lot easier through writing.

If you are my friend in real life, maybe you’ll feel im not really talking much. If you are my best friend, you do know im talking too much. But theres time when i prefer to be listener and i think it takes most of the time. I tend to build wall around myself, a high and thick one, which no one ever break in. they cant. Even my parents. My brother. My best friends. My now ex boyfriends. Every one has their territory, so i never force anyone to tell me everything unless they want to. I know how it feels.

I feel like im writing this to excuse myself.

There’s time when i wish i could tell people freely about what i feel right now. But looking at their faces, wondering what kind of problems that they have to bear now, stopping me from doing so.

Listening to their rants, seeing them cry, reading their complaints and gloomy sentences on their social media made me realize that im not alone.

Im not the only one who have such a problem so i should stop locking myself in the house. I should stop pitying myself.

But this fear,

What are you afraid of, self?

I dont know.

I want to curl myself and cry, loudly, until my tears dry and I lost my breath. I want to tell people about my fear.

Im so afraid of many things until i lost count on what is exactly thing that im afraid of.

I miss someone that i havent seen in months who doesnt even have any idea that i really want to meet him. I promise myself to be honest and straightforward so i wont torture my ownself yet fear always blocking me from doing things.

hi, i want to tell you i miss you but im afraid that you might laugh at me. I dont want you to not taking my words seriously. I mean every word I said to you.

I shouldve stop blaming everything including myself and just do things i want to do so i could achieve the happiness i’ve always dream of.

Mask

You ought to put mask on your face everyday. An adult has to.
You put different faces until you dont know which one is the original one.

But maybe to solve the problem, you can choose the most comfortable one that you can put on. Its going to be your original face, the mask you use when you meet people that you feel like home.
Its not the bare face, its still mask, a mask that so comfortable on you to the point where you thought the mask is yourself.
Yet, darling, you never be your own self until there is no one there.

 

I’m curious what kind of mask you put on when you reply to my message. When we meet, someday, if God so generous to let us meet under His blessing. I want to know which kind of face I have to choose when I meet you. I hope its the thinnest one, the most comfortable mask I love to wear and I wish yours too.