don’t blame me

I wish there would be time when i could walk alone without being feared of getting harassed.

I’m scared of people. Quoting one of my friend, human is scarier than ghost. At least, ghost isn’t real (for some people) but human…their mind is abstract. So do their attitude and behavior. If you seen the news, there are some reports of inhuman acts than have been done by humans.

Since i was a child, a baby in my mother’s arms, i always scared of men. I refused to be hold by them, except my dad. When i was in kindergarten, some boys in my class were playing wrestling and i didn’t know how – i was right at the bottom of their fight and i was the one who got injured.

Growing up, i didn’t hate men. I just realized, whenever i walk alone on the street, be it on broad-light day or dark night, i always feel afraid every time i pass a group of men, or a man. I didn’t like how they see me, and usually followed by some nasty whistle and yells. I read a book that said “be grateful if you wear hijab because they would say salam to you instead of calling you pretty; means they are praying for your safety.” Am i the only one who find out it was the most ridiculous statement i’ve ever read? Why should i feel grateful for getting catcalled, no matter how “sweet” their words were? Why should i be happy that they pray i’m not getting harmed when actually i feel alarmed by their action? Why cant we teach them to respect woman by not calling them when they pass by? Why cant we push men to godhul bashar instead of blaming it on us? Is it my fault for being born as woman?

The most ridiculous thing i’ve experienced was when i walked with my parents. i have this bad habit of looking around when i walk, and i accidentally saw some men’s eyes that sitting on the chair. my parents were walking in front of me, i was a step behind them, very close to them. and what did those men do? they whistled at me. they called me. in front of my parents. was it my fault for accidentally meet their sight? was it my parents fault for not hearing them calling me inappropriately? was it my fault for not walking in the same line with my parents?

You might think i’m being overreacted, it’s up to you but to be frank, i was afraid. Thank God i never got any sexual harassment that involved touching (EWW NEVER God never i dont want to experience that), yet from those catcalling experience alone, i was pretty terrified and traumatized. Now if you see the news when sexual harassment victims come forward, for like years after the case happened, don’t question them. Applause them for their bravery because it’s indeed scary to speak about that horrible memory. To collect their guts to tell people about the incident. It’s hard. Not to mention humans love victim-blaming.

Don’t blame me if i ignored you when you called me on the street because i am that afraid of people. I cant guess their intentions. I’m one of the most naive person, i sometimes cant differentiate who is the nice man and who is not. So if i treat you badly, when you have no intention to harm me, please forgive me. I know there is line to be aware and be friendly to people but at this point i don’t think i could warm up to them because world getting scarier each day.

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