Is This What People Call As Pre-graduate Syndrome Or Whatever?

Hi, im going to write depressing things again.

So im at my father’s hometown now. I thought when i meet my grandpa, he’ll lecture me about not having boyfriend like he did everytime i visited him because most of my cousins around my age are getting their partner already. And im going to graduate this august so im preparing myself lol.

But it turned out to be the opposite. He asked me do i want to continue my study. Of course i want to. Then he told me to sign up for the next master degree entrance exam. Like, right away.

I just nodded my head while trying to process it. Wait, i thought about it but i dont want to take any major here because the major that I want is overseas. Beside i never had any intention to continue my study here. Sorry if i sound arrogant but i want to challenge myself even though im pretty pessimistic.

Then i googled my future major and now im frustated because theres no way i could fill the requirements. Im not very confident i could pass. I dont even know what kind of major im going to take if i cant get this one.

I dont have any plan to apply for scholarship right away, though. They want experienced person in the right field to give the scholarship for. Im not qualified for it, at least for now.

I dont know where to start, to be honest. I dont know what im going to be. Im so scared. Why did i want to grow up so bad when i was child and now i want to go back being little girl whose happiness can be fulfilled by happy meals package?

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Cat

Its like
trying to assure the cat who is stuck on the tree.
He know how to climb it but he doesnt have any courage to go down
I’m trying my best to courage him to jump
or climb down

“Hey you can jump into my arms, I wont hurt you”

But I know, deep down its me who is afraid
of his claws that might stab me once he jump,
of his reaction once he’s in my arms,
is he going to run away from me,
or let me calming his shaking body down, petting his fluffy fur and bring him home?

 

‘You have 9 lives like a cat, aren’t you?’
‘Cat? It’s cute but it makes mess everywhere’
‘Lol yeah cute and annoying’
‘Cute? Lol’
‘I mean, cat is cute and you’re annoying’

don’t let things hurt you

You may think that you’re useless but don’t ever try to kill yourself because you might be the reason of someone’s smile today. No matter how bad you are, at least there’s one person who feel happy with your existence. Either your family, friends, crush, partner or even random stranger you met on the street.

It’s hard to think that way when you feel like you’re hitting the rock bottom of your life, but let’s try. Let’s try to learn to love ourselves in simplest way possible. Let’s try to make ourselves happy.

 

I’m sorry if I can’t be a good friend when you need my help. I know how hard it is, to feel suffocated of the world, even though you’re alone in your bedroom. Cannot breathe because of your toxic mind, but you can’t cry either to ease your burden.
I know how it feels when you feel like your head is going to burst and you think you have to contact someone, anyone, so you won’t go crazier than you are now. How hard it is to explain your condition to your family and friends, simply because you’re afraid that they won’t understand.

I don’t know about you, but for me, even the simplest reply from people I care about can ease my problem. So you may not tell them how you really feel, but at least, get in touch with people can make you feel better.
I’m sorry for being the worst possible friend ever because I never ask about your feeling. I’m afraid if I asked you, you’ll remember how horrible it was and I don’t want you to feel like that anymore. I’m all ears though, if you need me.

Hey, if you feel better, would you please come out from your cave and play with me and others? we miss you. we’re worried.

Please stop thinking negatively, stop thinking that you’re the worst person in the world. You aren’t. You’re loved. You’re so much more than that.

(I told you that my spell is “don’t let anyone hurt you, only you who’re allowed to hurt yourself”, right? Well, if you let their words affect you, you lose. Don’t lose)