Delusion

Hi, I’m going to tell you a story. Lets call this guy as A. So, I used to think that I love this A guy so much that I can’t fall in love with another guy. I used to think that the feeling wont fade even thought we aren’t in official relationship

Little did I know, I’m wrong

I just deluded myself for being in love with him when actually I was in love with the memories we made.
I had crush on several people, but it was just a phase. I always go back to this person in the end. Thinking that he would be the one for me, that he is my destiny. That we would be together again someday.

 

Then, I meet this B guy.

I can’t say that I fall in love with him, not yet. But I realized something.

I’m not in love with A, bet it still in love or loving him in present tense,
I’m out of love since years ago

I don’t feel anything when I meet the A guy. I mean, I’m happy and excited but that’s it. No different from meeting my other friends. And when we chatted on Line, I smile throughout chat. But I did that too with my other friends. Theres no sparks, no butterflies in my stomach, nothing.

 

And this B guy

He might not know me, heck, he doesn’t even care about me, I can make sure of it.
The last time I meet him was around a month and half ago, and it was dark so I don’t think he remember my face. He didn’t treat me like I’m special to him, I dont even feel special but there was time when I feel like it. He calls me by different name, that my friends laughed at, but I dont mind because it’s him who call me that. I can’t say that the way he treats me give me hope or anything, but the clear thing is, my feeling grow big each days. I don’t know if he knows my feeling for him, maybe he has clue, maybe not. I don’t really care.

Its funny but I can tell when he’s in good mood and when he’s not by his reply.

I don’t know what should I do because its been a long time since I have huge crush on someone. I talked to him, sometimes I greeted him on Whatsapp and talking nonsense or asking irrelevant stuffs, but that’s it. I never like someone like him, so I have no clue. I dont have friends who know him either so I cant ask about his personality (even if I had one, I might not ask, though).
But I feel thankful because he make me realized of something. He opened my eyes. Even though he doesn’t even know he did that to me.
I’m not a believer of “you have to like someone so you can move on” quote because I think when your heart is ready, there you go. After all, you can’t replace people because each one of them serve different purpose in your life. But after I meet him and admit to myself that I have feeling for him, I can say that it’s quite true. Even though it’s just a bit true. Even though for me, I’ve moved on but I need someone to make me realized that I did. I never know that I need a person to confirm it, but now I know.

I want B to be happy, always (I want to be happy with him, too, but it’s so greedy of me). It’s a lie if I said that I’m not expecting anything from him. I want him to return my feeling, of course. But I think I’m just going to enjoy this moment. To enjoy the excitement every time his name appears on my notification bar, to enjoy the butterflies in my stomach and stupid smile that creeps on my face when reading his message, to enjoy the frustration when his reply isn’t what I expected or when I don’t know what to write to keep the conversation going. It’s tiring, confusing, thrilling and exciting at the same time. That’s the art of having a crush, isn’t?

 

Is This What People Call As Pre-graduate Syndrome Or Whatever?

Hi, im going to write depressing things again.

So im at my father’s hometown now. I thought when i meet my grandpa, he’ll lecture me about not having boyfriend like he did everytime i visited him because most of my cousins around my age are getting their partner already. And im going to graduate this august so im preparing myself lol.

But it turned out to be the opposite. He asked me do i want to continue my study. Of course i want to. Then he told me to sign up for the next master degree entrance exam. Like, right away.

I just nodded my head while trying to process it. Wait, i thought about it but i dont want to take any major here because the major that I want is overseas. Beside i never had any intention to continue my study here. Sorry if i sound arrogant but i want to challenge myself even though im pretty pessimistic.

Then i googled my future major and now im frustated because theres no way i could fill the requirements. Im not very confident i could pass. I dont even know what kind of major im going to take if i cant get this one.

I dont have any plan to apply for scholarship right away, though. They want experienced person in the right field to give the scholarship for. Im not qualified for it, at least for now.

I dont know where to start, to be honest. I dont know what im going to be. Im so scared. Why did i want to grow up so bad when i was child and now i want to go back being little girl whose happiness can be fulfilled by happy meals package?

Cat

Its like
trying to assure the cat who is stuck on the tree.
He know how to climb it but he doesnt have any courage to go down
I’m trying my best to courage him to jump
or climb down

“Hey you can jump into my arms, I wont hurt you”

But I know, deep down its me who is afraid
of his claws that might stab me once he jump,
of his reaction once he’s in my arms,
is he going to run away from me,
or let me calming his shaking body down, petting his fluffy fur and bring him home?

 

‘You have 9 lives like a cat, aren’t you?’
‘Cat? It’s cute but it makes mess everywhere’
‘Lol yeah cute and annoying’
‘Cute? Lol’
‘I mean, cat is cute and you’re annoying’

don’t let things hurt you

You may think that you’re useless but don’t ever try to kill yourself because you might be the reason of someone’s smile today. No matter how bad you are, at least there’s one person who feel happy with your existence. Either your family, friends, crush, partner or even random stranger you met on the street.

It’s hard to think that way when you feel like you’re hitting the rock bottom of your life, but let’s try. Let’s try to learn to love ourselves in simplest way possible. Let’s try to make ourselves happy.

 

I’m sorry if I can’t be a good friend when you need my help. I know how hard it is, to feel suffocated of the world, even though you’re alone in your bedroom. Cannot breathe because of your toxic mind, but you can’t cry either to ease your burden.
I know how it feels when you feel like your head is going to burst and you think you have to contact someone, anyone, so you won’t go crazier than you are now. How hard it is to explain your condition to your family and friends, simply because you’re afraid that they won’t understand.

I don’t know about you, but for me, even the simplest reply from people I care about can ease my problem. So you may not tell them how you really feel, but at least, get in touch with people can make you feel better.
I’m sorry for being the worst possible friend ever because I never ask about your feeling. I’m afraid if I asked you, you’ll remember how horrible it was and I don’t want you to feel like that anymore. I’m all ears though, if you need me.

Hey, if you feel better, would you please come out from your cave and play with me and others? we miss you. we’re worried.

Please stop thinking negatively, stop thinking that you’re the worst person in the world. You aren’t. You’re loved. You’re so much more than that.

(I told you that my spell is “don’t let anyone hurt you, only you who’re allowed to hurt yourself”, right? Well, if you let their words affect you, you lose. Don’t lose)