grieve and the people she left behind

so two weeks ago, my grandmother passed away.

it was so sudden, i was playing with my phone in room, meanwhile my dad just arrived at home when one of my uncle called then told him the sudden bad news. dad was confused, we were confused because the one who usually visit hospital was my grandfather but it was his wife that left him first. i think that was the first time i saw my dad was so helpless. mom helped him by instructing him to go right away.

to be honest, i’m not really close with my dad’s mom, i’m closer to grandmother from my mom’s side because i met her more often. and one of the ultimate reason is, my mom’s mother spoke bahasa to me. another grandma of mine only speak javanese, while i dont understand a single sentence of it. sometimes i feel sad because i cant communicate well with her, unlike my cousins who live near my grandpas’ house so they’re native for javanese.

i went to their house four days after my dad went because that time my mom was sick so we had to wait until she felt better. i didn’t visit her grave, only dad and my lil brother who went. we were busy prepare things for “7 harian” event, so three days just passed like that and we went back home.

i never like funeral. well, who does? i might sound evil but i never went to any funeral because i can’t stand people crying, losing their loved one. but at the end of last year, i went to funeral of my junior, the first funeral i’ve ever attended. he was such a nice junior, we never had long chat, i even thought he didnt know that i was his senior until one day he greeted me and i had to check if it was me he smiled at. turned out it was me and i was kinda touched. long story short, his funeral was packed with people. they were crying, shedding their tears and praying for him. i couldn’t stand any of that. until i got home, until two weeks after that, i still felt down. i really hate funeral and i wish to never attend it ever again this year. but God has plan.

it was sad for us, especially my grandfather. he is a strong grandpa, everyone has to listen and do exactly as he said. i dont think he and my grandma had strong relationship because of some marriage issues that i heard, until the day when my grandma passed away. he tried to look okay and shooed his children and grandchildren away from home. when actually he was not. my aunts went to checked on him, but he always turned them away.

i dont know what should i do when i meet him again. he looks though but fragile. i know how it feels when people are pitying and trying to help you. i dont like that and i think i got it from him.

his house is too big to live for himself, even when my grandma still alive it was too big for two of them. he built that house for my family actually, because dad is their first and only son. but we have a life here, we can’t move there. i don’t know what will happen when my grandfather passed away, or after i got married. is my dad going to move there or not, i never ask.

i thought i wont feel this sad because i wasn’t close with my grandma, but family is family no matter how far your relationship is.

hi grandma, if you are there, if you read this, i want to let you know that i love you. i’m sorry for not being the granddaughter that you’d hope to be, but i’m trying my best to be better each day. please find my other grandma who went there first. i wish you would rest in peace.