When I was a child, I used to think how cool is that if you have ability to read people’s mind. You can get perfect score at school, have a bunch of friends, win several competitions and so on. You can be a perfect person. How exciting is that.
Back then, I think how convenient is it to know what my boyfriend think of me so I won’t waste my time thinking what he feels about me. Or what should I give him for his birthday. Or that time when I had unrequited love, I could use my ability to know what he thought about me. It’s efficient to avoid heart-break, isn’t?
As time goes by, I realize it isn’t easy.
Now I think its better to not know about what people think of me. I become so nervous everytime I want to do something. What if they thought that I am so extra? What if I looked ugly and they laughed behind me? What if they bad-mouthing me when I am not looking?
I know that kind of thinking is toxic. I cant even move an inch from my position now without worrying what the others might think of me.
I know I should haven’t care about it. No matter how loud I scream, explaining from my point of view, they would just do exactly as what their mind tell them to.
So I am.
I still have that toxic mind, but I am trying to not get it inside me anymore.
I’m grateful now for not having that reading mind ability. Jean Grey has it and look what she became. She is the Dark Phoenix.
I’m sickly insecure of myself and I dont think telephatic or whatsoever could pull me out of it. Worse, it might push me deeper to the black pit hole.