A Letter for the Future

Dear my children..

Honestly, this is pretty cringey. Forgive me, I don’t even know when will I meet you, or can I have you.

First, thank you for being born. I might not be what you want to claim about best mom, but I’m trying my best for you. We cannot be the richest or happiest family, but we can be comfortable with each other. I want you to feel like home when you are home, not just a place where you have to go back after school.

How old are you guys now? Fifteen? Seventeen? Or nearly my age when I type this letter?

I apologize if I’m being protective, while my own parents, or your grandparents, were never being protective over me and your uncle. I’m a wrench inside, I’m scarred of losing people that I love. It makes sense that I always try to push people around me. I do not want to be attached. I did feel hurt, once, and I never want to feel it again. It was annoying and depressing. I was like a hindrance for everyone around me that time; my family, my classmates, my middle school friends. Pretty embarrassing to remember that but it taught me a lot of things.

You, darling, you will feel it too. You will find someone that make your existence meaningful, you’ll see the world brighter. You will smile a lot, being everybody’s best friends. You’re going to greet each of your friends good morning when you wake up and bid them good night when you’re on bed. You’re talking to people, to the world, to the universe with your sparkling eyes and mouth that keep humming love songs. You’ll smell like flowers. You create your own highlighter and blush that will make every make up company envy you because you are effortlessly beautiful. You’ll chant their name, his name, her name, every god damn time, every breathe, like they are your spell, your magic to live.

You’ll see them differently, like they’re the one who save you from the last apocalypse. I may be upset with you, because you are keep daydreaming on dinner and grinning at your phone screen. You won’t be home on Saturday night and you’ll make any excuse to see your loved one. It’s okay, I won’t forbid you. You’re allowed to be with the one you like, you love, you treasure.

But then, the storm come. At first, you don’t notice it. You’ll attend school as usual. You’re still smiling, laughing and joking. You still text your friends and hang out with them. You  still mention his name, her name. Yet one day you come home with puffy eyes then lock yourself behind your door. You come out just for meal. Even I have to force you to eat your meals. You stop watching television with me. You cut your ties with your middle school friends. When I thought you are alright, you burst out in school, in front of your classmates, who surprised about your sudden tears. You can’t keep with the lessons, starring at the wall like it would talk to you, like it would tell you that everything will be alright. No, you hate it when people tell you that. You push them away because they keep telling you things you already know. You just want him, her, back to your life like what they used to. You want things like what already were.You go to his school, wanting some explanation but you did thing you hate the most. Crying in front of him, showing him that you are vulnerable to destroy, exposing him that he already step on your pride. Then you see his face, you meet your eyes with his and you know. Everything changed.

Dear, I’m not telling you my story but I know one day you’ll face it. When you did, please remember you still have me. You can talk to me. I won’t judge you. I will let you cry, depressed, curse his name in your sleep. Then I will pull you to life. Tell you that you can’t let him see your wrecking side. You have to go up. Life is harder that breaking up. It’s tough. But with your first heartache, you will understand. You know the pain and life is much more rougher than that. You will get up, you will study harder. You’ll make me proud.

I can give you freedom as much as you like. I’ll give you privacy like what you deserve. You can ask me money anytime,  no matter how big the amount. I will give you, under one circumstance. You have to study and the money goes for your education. Remember, only education that matter when you died, beside prayer and good deeds. It’s good if you have band that you like or hobby or passion. But my dear, I’m sorry to say that you have to work your ass off to afford band’s concert ticket or a figurine.I won’t give you any money beside your allowance. Your hardwork wont fail you. Don’t be like me when I type this letter, please. You have to be better than me.

Please tell me when you read this, did I really do what I want to do for you? Did you go to pray for your own needs, not because I told you to pray or because you want luxury afterlife in Heaven? Dear, if you did so, please punish me. I don’t want you to be me, or some people, who pray just because it is a must, not because they need it. I’m learning it now. I want you to know your God, to interact with Him, because you need it. Not because you want some reward or Heaven. Let’s think it as a bonus.

Do you remember the thing that I always tell you since you’re little? Be good to anybody. To universe. You’ll be happy for that. Be someone who’ll give good influence to people around you. Do what you think it’s good for you and don’t forget the people in your surrounding. Don’t even think about reward. Their happiness is your only reward. Live with that motto, kid.

So, here. I’m going to finish this letter. So awkward. Yes. Your mom is the most awkward thing on earth. Am I still like that? I hope not.

Sincerely,

Your 20-going-21 years old mom who still figuring herself

June 13, 2016. 00:06 GMT +7

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Wake Up You Need to Make Money

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freedictionary.com:

  1. A crucial or decisive point or situation, especially a difficult or unstable situation involving an impending change.
  2. A sudden change in the course of a disease or fever, toward either improvement or deterioration.
  3. An emotionally stressful event or traumatic change in a person’s life.

urbandictionary:

Usually occurs sometime in your twenties, a few years out of school and still feel as though you’re waiting for you’re life to begin.
For most people it will be around twenty five years of age (give or take a year or two) as this tends to be when you’re way of thinking is starting to change beyond that of a high school or college student. Most people realize they’ve reached this age if they talk to teens online and realize their way of thinking/talking/interacting etc is considerably different and/or they’re starting to refer to teens as ‘kids’.
It’s an age where a lot people start developing a more realistic outlook in life and start feeling that if they haven’t accomplished certain things in life they thought they would by then that they may never (Even though this isn’t true and they still have a long time to attain their goals and dreams).
This tends to be the age where regrets about decisions made in High School, College etc start becoming more apart. The classes one didn’t take, or could have tried harder in, the teams one didn’t try out for, and wished they had and so forth can sometimes cause a lot of regret and even resentment of those that are doing things one wishes they’d done.
Some people will respond to a quarter life crisis by rushing into various landmark type goals in life (Ie. getting married, moving out from your parents house, getting your first house, getting your first real job, having kids).
This could be because their friends have accomplished one or more of these things and they’re worried their falling behind them.
It may also be because they’re afraid that if they don’t accomplish these things by the time their 28 or so, they may never.
Others respond to it by growing depressed and blaming others for their perceived failures in life.
People tend to move beyond this life crisis when they realize that, a lot of people feel the same way and/or are in the exact same position, so they have plenty of company (misery loves company) and/or start to realize that perhaps some of their hopes and dreams were a tad bit unrealistic and that they’re just getting a reality check. Once one realizes that life hasn’t necessarily let them down and that their hopes and dreams were just that, hopes and dreams, but the reality has simply granted them a more down to Earth/realistic life, they’ll accept it and hopefully be happy for what they have and stop lamenting over what they never could realistically have achieved in life.

People say there will come a time when you feel depressed, questioning what will you do with your life, seeing yourself as a wrench who cannot do anything. That called quarter life crisis.

I realized I’m at that phase, right now.

Have you ever asking yourself how old are you know right after you wake up?

I dreamed that I was 16, or I thought I was 16. I was thinking about the 14 years old of me and I was like, hey it was 2 years ago. So I am 16 now? Then right after that, when I woke up, I counted my own age and I shivered. I am almost 21, not 16, nor 14. I was 14 seven years ago. Freaking seven years.

You know you are an adult when holiday makes you depressed, instead of happy.

My friends are doing internship, yet I am here, at home, lying on bed, reading comics and doing unproductive things. How can I get a job then? What should I do now?

Yet I do nothing. I searched for a job, but I didn’t send my CV. I dreamed about money, salary, but I didn’t do anything to make it happen. I cursed myself, blame it for being my own self, for being lazy, stupid, untalented and God-knows-what-kind-of-bad-words-I-called-myself.

I’m craving for new activity yet myself stop me for improving. Searching for excuses.