Hi, I’m going to tell you a story. Lets call this guy as A. So, I used to think that I love this A guy so much that I can’t fall in love with another guy. I used to think that the feeling wont fade even thought we aren’t in official relationship
Little did I know, I’m wrong
I just deluded myself for being in love with him when actually I was in love with the memories we made.
I had crush on several people, but it was just a phase. I always go back to this person in the end. Thinking that he would be the one for me, that he is my destiny. That we would be together again someday.
Then, I meet this B guy.
I can’t say that I fall in love with him, not yet. But I realized something.
I’m not in love with A, bet it still in love or loving him in present tense,
I’m out of love since years ago
I don’t feel anything when I meet the A guy. I mean, I’m happy and excited but that’s it. No different from meeting my other friends. And when we chatted on Line, I smile throughout chat. But I did that too with my other friends. Theres no sparks, no butterflies in my stomach, nothing.
And this B guy
He might not know me, heck, he doesn’t even care about me, I can make sure of it.
The last time I meet him was around a month and half ago, and it was dark so I don’t think he remember my face. He didn’t treat me like I’m special to him, I dont even feel special but there was time when I feel like it. He calls me by different name, that my friends laughed at, but I dont mind because it’s him who call me that. I can’t say that the way he treats me give me hope or anything, but the clear thing is, my feeling grow big each days. I don’t know if he knows my feeling for him, maybe he has clue, maybe not. I don’t really care.
Its funny but I can tell when he’s in good mood and when he’s not by his reply.
I don’t know what should I do because its been a long time since I have huge crush on someone. I talked to him, sometimes I greeted him on Whatsapp and talking nonsense or asking irrelevant stuffs, but that’s it. I never like someone like him, so I have no clue. I dont have friends who know him either so I cant ask about his personality (even if I had one, I might not ask, though).
But I feel thankful because he make me realized of something. He opened my eyes. Even though he doesn’t even know he did that to me.
I’m not a believer of “you have to like someone so you can move on” quote because I think when your heart is ready, there you go. After all, you can’t replace people because each one of them serve different purpose in your life. But after I meet him and admit to myself that I have feeling for him, I can say that it’s quite true. Even though it’s just a bit true. Even though for me, I’ve moved on but I need someone to make me realized that I did. I never know that I need a person to confirm it, but now I know.
I want B to be happy, always (I want to be happy with him, too, but it’s so greedy of me). It’s a lie if I said that I’m not expecting anything from him. I want him to return my feeling, of course. But I think I’m just going to enjoy this moment. To enjoy the excitement every time his name appears on my notification bar, to enjoy the butterflies in my stomach and stupid smile that creeps on my face when reading his message, to enjoy the frustration when his reply isn’t what I expected or when I don’t know what to write to keep the conversation going. It’s tiring, confusing, thrilling and exciting at the same time. That’s the art of having a crush, isn’t?