burden

hi, i’m supposed to do my translation job but here i am.

i have so many thoughts i have to let out here, that’s why.

i feel so overwhelmed recently. i got scolded, i got praised. also, people’s expectations….are starting to tiring me out.

i’m so happy when i got praised but at the same time, i feel so guilty and undeserved. and the burden. i cant disappoint them. i cant make mistake next time. i have to prove that im going to be better.

i want to cry at the number of responsibilities that lay in front of me. but at the same time, i feel proud of myself and so touched with their trust.

tbh i nearly breakdown at the office that day when my supervisors told me what is my task in the next two months. its going to be very hard and i dont think i can do it. i know im going to screw everything up. also they might tell me i disappoint them.

this is a very negative post, i’m sorry. i’m just so so so tired and i dont want to tell anybody about this. i whined and went to rant to my bffs but i dont want to disturb them any further.

i hope im strong enough to pass this and i hope i could fill their expectations.

i will work harder.

also, i want to cry. i really want to cry.

 

sometimes i wish i could see myself in another person’s eyes. i hope i can see myself in them when they praised me, so i could see if i really deserve the praise or if they were just saying it to cheer me up. when people said that the true enemy is yourself, it’s true. loving and accepting yourself is so hard. i thought i finally know how to love myself but i realized i hate myself more than anyone.

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to the tiny spotter

hi, how’s life been treating you? is it alright on your side?

i know we never talk with each other for months since our last encounter. we dont have any plan to stay in contact neither but i just sad when i know you canceled the mutuals. im not obsessed with the number but im just sad because i thought we were friends even though we barely talk.

this sounds so annoying, but are you the one behind this? i mean, is this really your decision? was i annoyed you that much?

if it is, then i apologize for bothering you. sorry for finding your account and decided to follow you right away because i thought thats the right thing to do since we know each other and talked often. but if you think the other way, ok then.

i hope you always be happy, though. really, really happy, inside and out, not just another mask you put for a show.

 

im sure you still visit this site or that pretty and lovely girlfriend of yours, thats why i wrote this. and the reason why i posted this crappy post? because i cant talk to you of course and i know im going to make things more dramatic but guess what? im tired of keeping my mouth shut for this thing. just please make things clear from the start because we are both adults.

hello, it’s been a long time!!!

I’m not doing well, I’m busier than usual, like waaaay busier. I also think I got stressed and I feel like a week went so slow this time (today is THURSDAY? can we just have Saturday for the whole year).

Also, I feel so burdened by people’s expectations of me. every time someone praises or compliments me, I always feel so guilty because I know I am not that good. I’m not what they think I am. But i’m also excited to prove them that I’m THAT great and to those who belittle me i want to make them believe I’m not that bad. and I’m happy because I’m learning a lot here.

i miss my friends so much i couldnt talk with people i usually talk with and im sad but surprisingly my social skill becomes better at pressuring time. i dont know if people read and wonder how im doing these days here but i want to tell anyone who might stumble here.

everything always happen for a reason and please stand up every time you fall down ❤

the unrequited one

Friendship is so confusing. At least when you are in a relationship, u have to agree about the date when u decided to be officially together & when you’re done you can just break it up but friendship…no one knows when did it start; it’s just happening and sometimes you don’t know it’s ended already.

In friendship, you might call them friend but they didn’t think the same or the opposite. And when you think it’s tiring you want to break it up but it’s weird to say so to “friend” so you just took step back slowly until disappeared completely from their sight & you’ll be remembered as the arsehole who suddenly disappear and forget everything you’ve been thru together.

I don’t understand, I sometimes didn’t think I’m the “best”friend but somehow the label attached on me. I did not think what we have is worth to be called friendship. I feel like I’m the casual friend who knows too much. Because bestfriend for me is them whom I really can pour my heart and soul into, them whom I could show my most real emotion and the one I mentioned above, sadly, always leaving me with pathetic and sad feeling; a ‘i-dont-belong-here’ feeling, and I’m scared because I can’t talk to them about these feelings.

it’s not their fault, they’re nice people.

to my smoll eggplant head

Hi,

I know it’s weird to write this here since I can deliver my mail to you on fancafe so you would read it but I don’t think it’s okay because you don’t like to be seen as a weak person, don’t you?

You are not. Believe me. You are one of the strongest person I’ve ever know, you always stand in what you believe, you always do your best for your and everyone’s sake. You take care of people so well, you scold and nag but you do it because you care and love them. You never hesitate to show your love toward us. You always give me strength with your choice of words and your smile and laughter. Your voice? Heal me whenever I’m in the edge of breaking down.

So now, when you feel down, you are free to cry, I won’t tell you to stop crying. I’ve been in your shoes before, it’s hurt to lose the one we love and it’s even harder when we couldn’t be there when they breathe their last and couldn’t send them to their resting place. Continue reading “to my smoll eggplant head”

2017 Highlight and Lessons

I found this in my draft and forgot to post it until now; I know we’re in the beginning of second quarter of 2018 already, but I want to post this to remind myself too.

So umm for me 2017 was an up and down year. I’ve graduated, I worked part time at an event, I did my first interpreter job (horribly), i fell in love, I let go person i should’ve not holding on for so long, i met new people, i rediscovering band that i like, i cried for someone who died because of depression. I want to recap things from month to month so let’s see if i remember anything.

Jan: i…don’t remember anything beside i was so worried about my journal but i didn’t do anything until next month. Oh i think i met my boss and he gave me lecture about work environment. And i got new kitties, 2 kitties. Crying over Goblin’s last episode while choosing the class for my last semester. I got my fav classes how lucky.

Feb: my friend’s graduation. I finally working on my journal and found the topic i want to talk about (sexual harassment at workplace) Continue reading “2017 Highlight and Lessons”

Pray

Have you ever ask yourself why are you praying?

I do my prayer five times a day, not a thing that one should be proud of, I know. There were days when I skip pray because I was on travel or I fell asleep and woke up late. Or simply because I didn’t want to do it. I know it’s bad, but faith has its condition. Sometimes it’s roaring up high but sometimes it goes down to the endless black pit.

When I was in Korea for a summer program, I had a Korean-American friend as my deskmate. He asked me why do I pray. To be honest, I couldn’t answer him. I said so my soul would be in peace. He asked me again, really? He saw the doubt in my eyes. And then he started talking about his own religion but I didn’t listen to him because I was thinking about his first question. Why do I pray? Is it because I need to, or because my mom would be mad if I didn’t, or because I’m afraid of the afterlife? Continue reading “Pray”

don’t blame me

I wish there would be time when i could walk alone without being feared of getting harassed.

I’m scared of people. Quoting one of my friend, human is scarier than ghost. At least, ghost isn’t real (for some people) but human…their mind is abstract. So do their attitude and behavior. If you seen the news, there are some reports of inhuman acts than have been done by humans.

Since i was a child, a baby in my mother’s arms, i always scared of men. I refused to be hold by them, except my dad. When i was in kindergarten, some boys in my class were playing wrestling and i didn’t know how – i was right at the bottom of their fight and i was the one who got injured.

Growing up, i didn’t hate men. I just realized, whenever i walk alone on the street, be it on broad-light day or dark night, i always feel afraid every time i pass a group of men, or a man. I didn’t like how they see me, and usually followed by some nasty whistle and yells. I read a book that said “be grateful if you wear hijab because they would say salam to you instead of calling you pretty; means they are praying for your safety.” Am i the only one who find out it was the most ridiculous statement i’ve ever read? Why should i feel grateful for getting catcalled, no matter how “sweet” their words were? Why should i be happy that they pray i’m not getting harmed when actually i feel alarmed by their action? Why cant we teach them to respect woman by not calling them when they pass by? Why cant we push men to godhul bashar instead of blaming it on us? Is it my fault for being born as woman? Continue reading “don’t blame me”

contagious thinking

sadar nggak sih kalo selama ini segala hal negatif yang kamu pikirin pada akhirnya bakal balik lagi ke kamu?

(ya halo kali ini aku mau nulis pake bahasa sendiri karena sedang ingin saja)

aku sering banget kayak gitu. bilangnya sih, daripada kecewa mending mempersiapkan diri sendiri dengan kemungkinan terburuk. makanya anaknya jarang ngerasa dikasih harapan palsu karena emang udah mikir jeleknya. nggak juga sih kecewa mah tetep. cuma rasanya nggak bakal sesakit kalo mikir yang bagus-bagus.

sementara orang-orang selalu bilang aku positif, optimis banget. well, guys, that’s just my facade because i dont want anyone else to know what i really think inside. karena aku juga anaknya nggak suka sama orang yang negatif, jadi mending dibilang kepedean daripada keliatannya negatif.

tetapi aku baru sadar. aku sering banget mikir yang jelek dan pada akhirnya beneran terjadi. seperti misalnya, aku lamar ke sebuah perusahaan. sepanjang jalan aku optimis, tapi saat langkah pertama masuk ke dalam gedung, aku langsung berpikir ‘ah aku jadi nggak mau kerja di sini’. perasaanku semakin kuat setelah wawancara dan setelahnya pun aku terus-terusan berpikir kalau aku nggak bakal keterima. and guess what, i did not make it. Continue reading “contagious thinking”

“it’s cruel that i have to wish for your happiness that doesn’t include me”

me 8 years ago would probably hold to this words tightly. when i thought i should have been the one who is happy. i didn’t care how much it would hurt my counterpart, as long as i am happy.

but me, now, i don’t care about my own feeling. as long as that person happy, as long as you happy. i’m happy, too.

(i wish you were really, and genuinely, happy. if you were not, i’m going to be upset because you do know you can’t fool yourself. i don’t want to lie to myself, i do have the feeling, but i really want you to be happy on top of that.)